Ship Wrecked
by IHateCleanBreaks
Summary: Edward and Bella are friends working on a cruise ship. Can she convince him they belong together? Or will he continue to overthink things as always? Why is he so secretive about his private life? AH. COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Don't hate me for a new story already! I am still working on "Changing Prejudices", but got kind of stuck on chapter 6. I know where I'm going with it, and once I get past chapter 6, it'll be just fine, I'm sure. **

**In the meantime, here's another one. Let's how you like this one. **

**Disclaimer: All **_**Twilight**_** characters belong to Stephenie Meyer and not me. **

Ship Wrecked

Chapter 1

BPOV

I knew I was going to be late, but I didn't care. Edward had wounded me too deep for me to care. Edward was treating me like I was a child. As if being twenty-six made him so much more of an adult. We had been friends for two years, and I really liked him, as more than friends.

Two weeks ago I told him how I felt. He shot me down.

"Aww, Bella, you're young. You'll have plenty of crushes before you get serious." Tips for guys--that is the worst thing you could say to a girl who is telling you how she feels. That is not a way to let her down easy. Brushing it off as a crush? Jerk.

That had been two weeks ago, and I had not spoken to him since. Of course, I hadn't had a real chance to talk to him anyway. Not with practice and cleaning the boat and everything.

Edward was the Assistant Cruise Director and Production Manager on the cruise line Dream's Inspiration cruise ship. I was a singer and a background dancer and had been so for the past two summers. This year I would also be working with either the Youth Activities Director or as a waitress. I had just finished my junior year of college and was taking a year off to make some money.

I had promised that year to Dream, hoping that Edward and I could spend a lot of time together and that maybe he would feel the same way about me. So much for that. At least I found out right away instead of waiting around with false hopes.

I knew the real reason he'd shot me down of course. He was beautiful—his emerald green eyes and messy bronze hair and gorgeous body. My plain brown hair and eyes could never attract him. But we were friends! I had deluded myself into thinking he was different—that he could like me for me and get past the outward appearance. Nope. Not gonna happen.

I burst into the practice room to find the other performers still warming up to fast music.

"Bella, you're late," Edward said along with the beat.

"Hey, there's a first time for everything." I took my place next to Alice.

"Progress, you actually spoke to him," she said.

"Not everyone knows about the fight, and I want to keep it that way. It is polite."

"What fight? Before practice, he came and asked me if you were mad at him. Apparently, you've been avoiding him."

"What?!"

"Well, after he said what he said, what did you say?"

"I thought I said 'Child?! I'll be twenty-one in a month.' I guess it was just in my head. I might have just walked away. What did you tell him?"

"I told him that yes, you were mad, and then I told him the reason. He acted like he had no idea what I was talking about. He just started class."

"Bella, Alice, if you two are finished, we can begin the numbers for Opening Night. Thank you," Edward said.

I was female lead in the Opening Night performance, and I put everything aside to concentrate on practicing with Mike, the male lead. He was having trouble with his throat so we had to keep restarting.

I hated love songs. They never change and always tell of a love that did not exist for me. I preferred to sing songs about real love—not the kind that was really more lust. Lust at first sight and all that crap filled the love songs usually chosen for our performances.

My parents divorced when I was three, and they had each had many failed marriages since then. My high school friends had all married or moved in with guys right out of school. Most had children and were alone now.

I had been given no examples of marriages that were based on true love. And none of them lasted as they would have otherwise. I knew that if I ever got married, it would have to be an exceptional thing. The guy would have to dig very deep to get around all the hurt I'd buried myself behind. Love did not exist to me, and I was beginning to think that it never would.

I had done extensive research on my examples. I had gathered many facts. I had never had a boyfriend, had never been kissed, and had never been asked out on a date. All the girls that got the attention were completely opposite from me. I was not what guys wanted. There was nothing about me that could hold them, nothing special like there was with the women in the books I spent so much of my free time reading.

We practiced from seven am to ten am, and then Edward allowed us to leave. Some of us had other things to do, and others just lazed around the ship. My day was full, but I thought I had a few minutes for a nap. At twelve, I had to meet my friend Angela for a talk. After that, I was going to help with the finishing touches on the ship.

The next day, Friday, was the first day of our first cruise of the summer season. Edward, Alice, and I usually helped with cleaning. There were two weeks between the spring and summer seasons, and the ship was supposed to be cleaned very well. There were many last minute things to do and we always helped. All the repairs were already done and we were left to clean up after them.

We had a staff meeting at six, and dinner was at seven, so we all had to be dressed and ready at fifteen to six. Even with all I had to do, I still had two hours to nap before Angela.

I had only been asleep ten minutes before the phone rang.

"I need you to meet me in the practice room at one. Practice threw Mike's voice out completely; I have to do his part tomorrow. I need you to go over it with me."

"Um, okay, Edward, at one. Bye." It took me a few minutes to realize that my whole day would have to be rearranged, starting with Angela.

Angela was a very shy girl that needed to talk to someone every once in a while, and I was the one she'd picked. I loved being there for her, and that she trusted me so much. It was just an inconvenience sometimes. When I told her I'd have to make our meeting an eleven o'clock lunch, she sounded relieved. She'd probably just been too shy to say that eleven was better for her. I tried to tell her that she shouldn't be that way; that I was there for her when she needed it and that if I couldn't do it when she suggested, we'd work it out. She still always let me pick the day and time.

After I hung up, I looked towards my stateroom door. And there, on the floor, was the piece of paper that all staff dreaded. It was the mandate from the captain that we were to wear our uniforms from that time on. Only certain times during the day were we allowed to wear normal clothes. However, we had to keep them on at all times for the first few days of each cruise. That way the guests could tell who we were.

We hated the uniforms. Each department had the same uniform--regulation button up white and black shirt and black pants. The deck crew had white stripes on their pants. Each department had different colored bars on the shirt shoulder, called epaulets. The entertainers thought there was no point for us to keep ours on since it wasn't necessary that they know who we were. They saw us on stage occasionally, what more could they expect? We couldn't do anything to help anyone. The uniforms just created embarrassing situations where we had to try to answer a nonsense question from a passenger while also trying to steer them to someone who could really help. But there was no arguing with the captain or the cruise director.

I put mine on, and then left my instructions for the maids. Every summer it was always the same thing: no need to clean up, just leave fresh towels and sheets. I could clean up after myself. There was no point in creating more trouble for them.

Angela's room was on the deck below mine, and before I reached the elevator, I ran into a new guy who was lost. He actually ran into me and almost knocked me down.

"Oh, I'm sorry," he said, his eyebrows furrowing in embarrassment.

"It's okay, I get knocked into or knocked down all the time. Mostly it's the air that does it too." We laughed lightly, both of us embarrassed.

"I really am sorry, I'm sort of lost. I know my room is somewhere on one of these decks, but I'm not sure which one."

"Didn't you get a map?"

"Yeah, I wanted to try to get around without it. I left it in my room," he said with a soft unfamiliar accent. With his deep red skin tone and jet black hair, I guessed that maybe he was Native American.

"Probably a good thing. The pros pick a newbie every season to pick on. They choose them by the maps they carry."

"Pros? Newbies?"

"Pros are staff members returning to the ship, newbies, are new staff." We had reached his cabin at that point and I turned to continue on.

"Thank you for showing me the way. Which department are you with?"

"Up, sorry, here's your cabin and I gotta lot of stuff to do so I gotta go. See ya."

I could have listened to him talk all day long about almost anything, and I felt bad about cutting him off, but most people don't believe me when I tell them I'm a performer. I'd rather just show them. I don't exactly have a dancer's body. And as I said before, I tend to trip over air when walking. None of that applied, though, when I was dancing. I forgot all about it and enjoyed myself—especially since I was usually in the very back when dancing.

I got to Angela's door and, as I suspected, I spent from 11:02 to 12:50, listening to her struggles and being her friend. Angela was very shy and a bit too tall and just needed someone to talk to. She was a Pro; she'd worked for the Inspiration in the library for the last six years. She really liked a guy named Ben that also worked in the library, but he was kind of short. They'd gotten very close recently, almost as close as Edward and I, and she was considering asking him out on our next port, but was hesitating because of the height difference. It was a long conversation.

I was grateful that we called it a lunch date, because after we were finished, I had to run to get my practice clothes and get to the practice room. Edward kept me practicing until after four and then he wanted to talk.

"Alice told me you were mad and why you were mad. I didn't realize."

"It hurt. You treated me like I was a little kid." I so did not want to continue this conversation. It really hurt to have put out my feelings for him, and then him throw them back like I was a little kid with a simple crush.

"Bells, you do have a while to grow-"

"Edward, do you realize that I will be twenty-one in two weeks? It's not like I'm fifteen or sixteen, or even that I asked you to marry me. I know that I'm not very close to your age. But there is no call to treat me like a baby."

"Besides, there is that one little rule about staff not dating staff. I'm truly, very sorry. I'm not good for you. Now, can we forget this and be friends again? I haven't really talked to you in two weeks."

"Give me a few more days."

"You've been mad for two weeks! It's not healthy to hold onto anger for so long."

"Who said I was still mad? Right now, I can't just go back to being your little sister and back up plan. If you really need to talk, or if you need help with anything, you can call me. But give me a few days." I walked away without getting an answer.

I felt I had to back off a little bit to get over the hurt. I felt bad because I was the one he always talked to about problems and how to work through things on the ship, even more so than Alice, but I was so mad at him that I felt smothered. If I could have jumped ship without consequences right then, I would have.

Back in my room, I sat on my bed for a few minutes before I noticed the voice mail light on my phone blinking. It was Edward asking me to do two songs for lounge night that night. He'd forgotten to ask me during practice. Tyler, the Cruise Director, had requested that I take Mike's place in that night's entertainment. There was barely any emotion in his voice—strictly professional.

The ship wasn't officially opened for passengers until the next day, but for a little extra, some were allowed to come aboard early. There were ten early bird passengers this trip and the Cruise Director over Edward needed two numbers to fill in for the sick Mike. I called Tyler and agreed to do it.

I immediately started deciding on the songs. I decided to sing songs that would help me feel better. Tyler also preferred that the opening and closing nights to be up beat and fun, since he thought of them as the bookends of the whole experience. I was restricted on my songs, and I had most of the others already planned. I chose "I Will Survive" and "Best for Last." One very pointed and one very hopeful.

Dream's Inspiration was the smallest ship in the fleet. We didn't have as many dinner options as the bigger ones, and that was okay with our passengers. They paid extra to have the smaller, more intimate cruises that gave them more opportunity on land and closer relationships with the crew. We had more ports and fewer passengers and crew.

The Inspiration had two restaurants, and the largest one had a stage and there were a few nights with a show during dinner. All other shows were before and after the dinner hours. All crew were required to go to one of the restaurants every night. We had to scan our ID cards to prove we were there.

Lounge nights were nights when the captain wanted everything to seem casual and relaxed. It was just different singers on stage, standing or sitting still, doing their thing. There were only a couple of lounge nights on some of the cruises and the show for the early birds was one of those nights.

Since I was going to sing, it would take me longer to get ready. Alice never let me just wear whatever I wanted. She had to have a say in every lounge night outfit. However, this was a surprise and I didn't let her know, so there was no way she'd know to come knock on my door.

I decided on my midnight blue floor-length dress with a sheer dark blue duster. It made me look older and I wanted to look as close to my age as possible. When I looked in the mirror, I could understand Edward treating me like a baby. I have never looked older than 14, and I send out a vibe of "little sister needs protection of a big brother".

Before I could turn from the mirror to start looking for my meager makeup supply, Alice walked in my door.

"Bella Swan, why in the world didn't you let me know you had a lounge night tonight?! We have so much to do and so little time. I assume you've already picked something out to wear, since it is so close to time?" She surveyed my dress laying across my bed. It was one of the few dresses I had bought myself that she approved of. I usually ended up feeling extremely uncomfortable in whatever she bought for me.

Since lounge nights were supposed to be elegant, I allowed Alice to do my hair and makeup without protest. I wasn't very experienced in those areas. I preferred to be natural, no frills, just comfort. I also wanted to look my best for Edward, and maybe for the new guys on staff.

New seasons were always exciting to me. There were a few pros that had worked Dream for years, but it was more common for people to work only one season. Most worked to have a summer job. It was amazing the things you learned from talking to new people. People came from all over the world to work for Dream and a lot of them ended up on the Inspiration.

Edward had held his position for six years. I had no idea what he did during the Inspiration's three-month off-season, but I did know he lived in Florida. I knew surprisingly little about his personal life away from Dream even though I'd known him and his sister for two years.

I met his sister Alice at a visitation day at my college. She stayed in my dorm room for the weekend, and we really enjoyed hanging out.

"I'm going to work on a cruise ship this summer as a maid. It sounds really amazing and I would love the experience."

"Oh, yeah? Which ship?"

"Dream's Inspiration."

"Hey! Me too! I'm going to be a performer, and my brother is the production manager there. He's worked there for four years."

"Cool. I barely got the maid position. It was only because one of the applicants got pregnant and couldn't commit for the whole summer."

My biggest passion at the time was singing, and it came out without me even thinking about it. Alice heard me singing around my dorm room one day and offered to ask Edward to give me an audition. I hesitantly agreed, knowing that once Alice got something into her head, there was no changing her mind.

I got a spot on the performance team that summer and the next summer was given the female lead singer spot. I say it was only because at the last minute the former lead bugged out of the season, but Edward and Alice say it was my talent. However, I wasn't very good at the dancing, so I could be in the back for the dances and not always in the spotlight. We spent a lot of time together, and became best friends.

Edward kept his home life away from the Inspiration quiet. Alice lived with their parents in Chicago, so she didn't really know that much about him. Or at least she didn't talk about his life that much. He'd been on his own since he was eighteen. I knew he lived alone, but he kept everything else to himself.

We talked about other things, though. He knew a lot about my life, but only because he asked questions. I didn't like to talk about myself a lot, but he always avoided answering the questions I asked him. I soon learned not to ask. We were very similar, so from what Alice did say and what I found out from Edward, I was able to guess on some things. But I was wrong about his feelings, I guess.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

BPOV

I was usually early for staff meetings, because I had friends in other departments that I really only saw during meetings. But because of all that had happened, I chose to be right on time for this one. There would be more staff meetings to see friends.

It was a speech that the captain gave every year. He'd even had his outline laminated so that he wouldn't have to print it out every season. From my seat in the back, I saw Edward and some of the other Pros mouthing along with the captain's speech. They had it memorized and I resisted the urge to laugh. It wasn't too hard to resist because Edward was laughing with someone I'd never seen him talk to ever. Emmett McCarty sat right next to him. Emmett was one of the security guards and he and Edward hardly ever even looked at each other, much less laughed together.

Tyler, the Cruise Director, was the only one who said anything I hadn't heard before and his speech caught everyone's attention.

"You all know the rules about employee fraternization. In the past, staff was not allowed to date staff or passengers. Because you did it anyway," Here Tyler paused to let the yelling settle down, and then he continued. "Because you did it anyway, and it caused such a problem last year, Emmett McCarty, we are repealing the restriction on staff and staff _only_. So, you can date staff, but _not guests_. Do I make myself clear? If it becomes an even greater problem than before, we will yank the privileges right back," he finished amidst an even louder burst of celebration, Emmett louder than any others. Guess he would finally get to go after Rosalie Hale, one of my friends who worked under the Chief Purser. No one really listened to the rest. However, Captain Maher kept us in the meeting until we could see the guests gathering in the dining hall.

I walked past Edward to the table where Alice was sitting. I sometimes sat with him on lounge nights, but I didn't even look at him as I passed. He didn't seem to notice that I was ignoring him. However, the guy that ran into me earlier didn't ignore me. He came right over and introduced himself.

"Hey, my name is Jacob Black. Thank you very much for helping me find my room earlier. I was lost and I didn't want to get picked on by anyone."

"I'm Bella Swan. They only choose one a year and it looks like they have him already." I pointed to a group of hasslers that were picking on a short guy that looked nervous. Jacob thanked me again then sat at a table with some of the crew of the ship. I sat next to Alice who gave me a questioning look.

"Who was that? He's cute."

"He was lost earlier today and I showed him where he needed to go. He was just thanking me."

"Hm."

"What?" There wasn't time for me to find out what she was meaning, because dinner was served. I, however, couldn't eat yet because I was the first up. Food would clog my vocal chords. Tyler preferred to give the guests a little time to eat before the singers got on stage, so I had to sit and wait. Finally, Tyler gave the signal for me to make my way back stage.

After I sang, I moved my food to a table for two and finally ate. It had been a long time since lunch and I was hungry. Staff were required to mingle with the guests occasionally during dinner. Tyler came by my table, complimented my singing, and then "encouraged" me to get up and mingle. I managed a few more bites before he looked at me from across the room with a look that said I had better get up.

I mingled a little then sat down again. My food was getting cold, and there were only ten guests. They had probably met every single staff member on the ship. I scanned the room for Alice and instead met Edward's eyes. He was looking back at me but I looked away and found Alice.

She was finishing her meal, trying to get finished in time to clear her throat for her turn on stage. I was on my way back to her table when Jacob stepped in front of me.

"So, you are a performer. Wow. That was amazing."

"Thanks. It's easier to just let people see for themselves. They sometimes don't believe me. I also dance."

"Can't wait to see that."

"You'll have to. And even tomorrow I'm on the back row so you probably won't see me." I could tell that Jacob wanted to talk, so I resigned myself to a long conversation. Alice was about to go on stage anyway.

It wasn't as bad as I had thought. He was a very nice guy. He was good looking; he had a pleasant accent. He did talk a little too much about himself, but it was okay, we had just met. He was from a small reservation in Washington and had come to work as a navigator with Dream.

"My parents met their closest friends on a cruise. I grew up hearing about how great they were, and I love the ocean. I wanted to get away from home, see the world, and here I am. Navigator on the Dream Inspiration. I graduated last year from the best boating college in America. I'm living out my dream and I am only twenty-three."

"Congratulations. I'm almost twenty-one, and I have no idea what I am going to do after I graduate."

"You got one more year?"

"Yeah, but I'm taking a year off to make enough money. I refuse to take out loans. I will graduate debt-free."

"So why Dream? You said you're from Phoenix. Isn't southern Florida far away?"

"From my family? I can't get far enough away. I go to school in South Carolina, but my dad is actually in Washington and my mom is in Phoenix. I also have close relatives in thirty other states. Florida is supposedly free from them."

"Hard home life?"

"You don't know the half of it. It'd take days to explain it all."

"We have almost a year."

"Maybe another time. We're supposed to mingle."

I guess I might have been running from my family. They weren't all bad. Renee, my mother, was kind enough to store my stuff from my apartment for a year. And well, money wasn't the only reason I was taking a whole year off.

Edward was part of my reasoning, but I had only spent three months a year with him. I wanted to learn more about him, but more than that, I needed to decide about my future. My major was English, but I needed to know what I would do with it. I was also considering staying longer to get a second degree in either music or psychology. My year commitment included a few benefits that would be useful to me. The three-month off-season was in the middle of my year, in late winter.

Yearly employees got paid a little more than the seasonals and it was spread out through the year. In the off-season, it was automatically deposited in our accounts. My plan was to spend those three months driving across the country, seeing as many states as I could before I ran out of money. And I had five months to figure out my route.

Dream's year ran from June to May and it was divided in two seasons. There were two weeks in May that were set aside for deep cleaning and small repairs. All employees worked those two weeks, practicing or cleaning or preparing for the summer season. As I said before, it was a small ship and the three months off were used for major repairs and renovations.

After dinner the guests slowly drifted to their staterooms. They had to make sure they were prepared for the arrival of their friends and the noise of the next day. The guests got a day of peace and quiet but had to deal with the last minute preparations of the staff and crew.

After dinner, the staff rushed to finish getting the ship spotless. I changed clothes and went to the Fairy Tale deck to help check the rooms there. I was surprised to glimpse Edward and Jacob going in and out of the rooms. The Fairy Tale deck was one of the cheaper levels and most staff helped with the more elegant decks. The three of us chose to check that one but they were never really close enough for me to talk to.

I was almost finished when I saw Edward walking my direction. However, Jacob distracted me. When I looked back, Edward was gone.

"Bella, I'm finished, but I'm lost again. Could you help again when you're finished?" I hid my disappointment.

"I just have two more rooms to check. You check that one and I'll check this one, and then we can go."

I couldn't help but be disappointed. The facts were that I knew almost nothing about Edward apart from what went on on the Inspiration and he was resisting me getting to know his private life. Then there was Jacob. A very hot guy who didn't care what I knew about him. He was willing to get to know me and let me get to know him. And there was a total of nine months to get to know him.

I probably should have resigned myself to be Edward's friend again. It had strained my friendship with Alice. She was close to Edward too, and since they were siblings, he naturally came before me.

I didn't have any time to talk to Edward, though, until three days later, our fifth day out to sea. The two weeks in between the seasons were very rushed. There were always things that went wrong and needed to be fixed and Edward helped. He was able to do anything on the ship, and he was always willing and available to help with any problems. He usually asked me to help, but this year I saw Alice helping.

Everyone was busy those first few days of the cruise. The first cruise of the season was to Ireland. I was very excited about Ireland, but that was being snowed under by the personal chaos.

Practice ran almost all day every day because we were learning new numbers. Edward was combining singing and dancing more so I had to be up front more often. I couldn't hide anymore. Of course, with all the knowledge of the upcoming attention, I had to work harder to get around my lack of coordination. It tended to show up in my dancing when I was stressed or nervous.

Soon, Edward and I would have to practice alone together. Mike was almost better, but the ship's doctor said he should wait until after Ireland to do solos. Edward had cast Mike and I as the leads in most of his new programs, so he had a lot to practice before we would be performing.

He avoided the private practices until our fifth day out to sea. As the leads, we had to get our parts right before we could put all of the others together. We had until after we left Ireland to practice. The entertainment would be mainly Irish River Dancers until then. The cruise staff wanted the guests to be so tired of Ireland by the time we left that they would wish for something different. It was the first time Dream had offered a cruise to Ireland, so it was a very full cruise.

As usual, the new show was all about love found, lost, and regained. Very unoriginal and full of the things I had a huge problem with. But Edward knew what the people wanted and wrote his choreography to please them.

Edward Cullen was a very well-rounded person. He was a very good actor to add to all his other talents. I had to keep reminding myself that he was just acting, no real feelings behind his words and looks and that I was supposed to be acting too. But sometimes, the emotion behind his emerald eyes made me want to run my hands through his beautiful bronze messy hair. The other performers had to practice their parts as well, so we kept it to three hours. I followed him outside to the deck.

"Edward, I want to apologize. You said you wanted to get back to how we were. I'm sorry I rejected you, but I really don't think we can ever be the same again. The fact is that you are my best friend, but I don't feel just friendship so it's been difficult. Know that you never encouraged me, so you don't have to feel embarrassed about that. I would like to try to be friends again, if you still want to. I'd rather have you as a friend than to lose you forever," I gushed out all at once.

Edward was silent throughout my speech and sometime after. He didn't even try to speak. I just turned and walked away, frustrated with his silence. He grabbed my arm and spoke.

"Maybe it was wrong for us to be so close. Someone always gets hurt in those situations. I don't want to lose you either, but maybe we should not be so close." He let go of my arm and I continued on. His words hurt worse than being completely dismissed. To know how close we were. To know all he knew about me. And he didn't want to be that close to me anymore.

What did I do?

I tried to figure it out on my way to my room. I couldn't remember anything I said that would make him pull away. I almost ran into Jacob again. This was becoming a habit.

"Sorry, again, Jacob. That's becoming a habit."

"Are you doing anything right now?"

"No, I have a few hours."

"Would you show me around the ship? I know the map, but I'd like to get to know some staff and hang out with you. Since this is your third summer I thought you'd know a few people." I ended up spending the whole day with Jacob. We ran into Alice a few hours later and she joined us.

Alice was in the lounge show that night, but I had the night off. The three of us sat at a large table with Edward and some other pros. The pros tend to sit together since we know each other and are friends. The newbies sit together or with pros from their department. Jacob took the opportunity to learn some information about Dream.

"Edward, you've worked here longer than anyone else I've met. I want to make Dream my life. Got any tips?" Edward looked at Jacob a few moments before he replied.

"Use your vacations and money wisely. Find a home and settle there. And completely get to know Dream Inspiration and what she is like as a mistress. Understand that she doesn't love you back." I looked at Edward quickly but he was looking down at his plate.

I was very uncomfortable, remembering our conversation from three weeks earlier. I was trying to forget about it, but he kept making comments that brought the past back. I knew things would be weird for a long time. Maybe forever. And that was my greatest fear when I was worrying about telling him. I knew things would be different. Whether we would be closer or apart, things would never be the same.

My birthday was coming up soon. I was almost excited about it. Just one more week. The main reason I was excited was because the day before my birthday we would arrive in Ireland. Two great things in two days! Twenty-one was such a milestone. I hoped I would feel more like an adult, but with the way Edward was treating me, I wasn't very hopeful. And we would have three whole days in Ireland. And payday was that Monday.

I had saved money all school year and was expecting birthday money from my family at each port. I wasn't disappointed.

I tried to keep my birthday a secret. I never reminded anyone about the date nor did I ever talk about it. But Edward and Alice always remembered. However, with things strained as they were among us, I had no expectations. I had barely talked to Alice since we'd shipped out.

Fortunately, I knew that was normal for the first cruise of the season. She usually hadn't seen Edward since Christmas so they spent a lot of time together catching up. I gave them their time alone. By the end of the first week, we missed each other enough to force our schedules around to hang out. Our lives were calmed down by then anyway.

As performers, we didn't have many duties. Dance practices in the mornings and singing in the afternoon. Between them, there was lunch and down time. We could either rest or practice for the performances. If the Irish performers weren't scheduled for that night, those of us who were scheduled to perform practiced.

The special cruises, such as the Ireland one, had guest performers. Travelers got bored very easily on a long cruise so Edward looked for exciting acts to alternate with the staff performers. We had classic favorites, but he had somehow arranged to get a group of Irish Riverdance performers. They added a bit of excitement, drove up the cost of the cruise, and increased our paychecks.

We still had to go to at least one of the practices each day. One day, Alice and I decided to go to the early morning one and spend the rest of the day together. Edward ignored me again.

After practice, we cooled off in the deck pool. The deck was very popular, but the pool was mostly empty. There were too many activities to do to just laze in the pool.

Alice had been talking about Jasper Whitlock, one of the newby performers who'd caught her eye, and I was only half listening. I was more thinking about what a mess I'd made. I had thought that Edward was such a friend that I could share my real feelings with no consequences. I just blurted out what I was thinking.

"I was wrong. Everyone says never tell your best friend you are in love with them because the relationship is ruined. They were right."

"It's not ruined. This is the first cruise of the summer season. The two week clean up was more intense this time. It's our first time to Ireland. And it is a maxed out cruise."

"You may say it's not ruined, but it will never be the same. Promise we'll stay friends no matter what?"

"We were friends before him and we'll be friends after him."

"Thanks, Alice."

"Now, tell me about Jacob Black."

"What? I know little more about him than you do."

"Bella. You spent more than half the day with him yesterday. And he's rarely far away from you when you both aren't working."

"I can't think about another guy when I still like Edward. It would be like a rebound or something. Jacob was annoying at first, but I think it's just because it was a new job and I was the only one he knew. We're just friends. He may have plans I don't know about, but not me."

"Do you still hope—"

"Never any hopes, you know that. But I just can't snap away from a man like Edward. After every season, I tried to forget him. To not think about how great he is. It just got worse. I don't know him that well, but what I do know is amazing. I've never had any hope for any guy, you know that. No hope, just the wish."

"I know."

"But he avoids me. He can't be any busier than any other summer. He used to ask me to help him. Has he said anything to you?" She just shook her head.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Do you really like this story? I don't know if it is working out. If you want me to continue, review and let me know. If you're not really feeling it, let me know that too. I am trying to have more time to write on it, but like I said, I don't really know if it is working out. **

Alright readers, I need your help with something. I am working on a new story and I need your help with some ideas. It's a new idea that will not leave me alone, but of course my other stories are priority for now. I just need your ideas so the story will shut up. My question is this:

What is some quality about you that is simple and random that has surprised a guy before?

Example: In Twilight, Edward is shocked at Bella's taste in music—Debussy and Linkin Park (the CD that is not specifically named in the book when Edward asks what is in her CD player). 

Example: I have a credit card with the painting Starry Night by Van Gogh as the background. I used it at a bookstore and the guy at the register was very loud about how impressed he was by that. He was also impressed by one of the books that I was buying. His words were "You're just impressing me all over the place tonight!" 

That's the kinds of things I need. Random, simple, silly little quirks and preferences that impress guys. I need random things that have amazed/ shocked many different types of guys. Maybe some stupid little thing that made a guy fall in love with you or realize that you were perfect for him. So, please help me by PM or review. Thanks in advance.

Chapter 3

APOV

Edward and I were fixing a problem with the sound system. I had been waiting for the perfect time to ask Edward about Bella. I knew that Edward had been avoiding her and decided that today was the day to ask. I was sick of being in the middle.

"Edward, are you avoiding Bella?" Edward seemed caught off-guard, which was the best way to get information from him. He was so darn controlled all the time. He kept his head buried in the sound box for a few seconds.

"Edward why are you avoiding Bella?" I asked, hoping to get a direct answer for my direct question.

"Don't worry about it. This is ready; we better get ready for practice." He turned to leave but I grabbed his arm.

"Answer me. I am not going to be stuck in between anymore. I'm stuck between my best friend and my brother. She apologized, and is trying to be your friend again, but you keep blowing her off. I know you do. I want to know why." Edward stood silent a while, sighed, and then gave in. He sat down in the nearest seat.

"Alice, has it ever occurred to you that I avoid her because I'm not good enough for her, but really want to be?" I was silent, trying to let his words sink into my head so I could comprehend them.

"I'm not sure that it is love, but I do like her more than I have any other girl I've ever known." Huh? Love? When did love enter into the conversation? Could Edward love Bella? Wait a minute.

"Wh-Why did you treat her like you did?"

"Because of the no-fraternization rule. I need the money too much to lose this job."

"With your experience you could get a job on any cruise liner in the world. And I don't think they'd fire _you_ for dating staff. They rely on you too much. They'd just give you a warning or something. And you know it. What do you do with all the money anyway?"

"Well see, that's another thing. I can't get serious about any girl. What if it was to lead to something? I can barely support myself, much less a family."

"Calm down. _Slow _down. Support a family? Explain what you mean."

"The first time I saw Bella, I knew she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. There was something about her that was different. She wasn't classically beautiful, but she was extremely unaware of how bright her smile was. It was refreshing to look into her deep brown eyes and see intelligence. I guess I was seeing her heart more than her face. I knew there was a plan for her. She was special and would touch people. And for a second, I wondered if that plan included me. And I got scared.

"The rule was a safety net. I could be near her, get to know her, be her friend, without the--."

"Commitment? Work? Trouble? Intimacy? Edward, she didn't propose to you."

"Okay, okay. But the whole time I was aware of myself, kept my off-season activities a secret. I also kept the biggest part of myself away from her. You don't know how much I wanted to tell her."

"Why are you so afraid to tell her about the children's center? She knows about one out in LA and even considered giving this year to them. She just needed to make money, not pay it. She is amazed and touched by them. She wants to help people too."

"Don't tell me that," he groaned. "Without the rule, I had to push her away. I know she is very touchy about how young she looks. So I used that to try to push her away for good. I knew they were going to repeal it. I didn't want to be so mean. I didn't want to lie and confirm something that I've tried so hard to get her to not believe. I didn't want to hurt her. I wanted to hold her and tell her everything. Once again, I got scared. I turned my fear into hurt.

"For three months out of the year, DayStar Children's Center is my home and my life. I'm not settled down. I'm not ready to start anything." Edward was trying to convince himself. He was making excuses and had forgotten that I was there.

"Bull. Bella didn't ask you to marry her. She was only telling you how she felt."

"No, Alice. I know what I'm doing. Do you remember Jessica? I really liked her and she said she really liked me. But then I told her about DayStar. At first she was all into it. Researched the area needs, visited the center for a couple of days. Really seemed to get into it. But then she learned where all of my money went. She just thought it was a summer job, not a passion. She stopped answering the phone when I called. And then I saw her with another guy, kissing behind a hill in the park. She'd agreed with my wish to keep physical contact to a minimum. Until she saw that my heart was for the children at DayStar and I would never be rich."

"But Bella is different. You said so yourself. She doesn't want to be rich."

"No. Jacob is good for Bella. Yeah, I've noticed him. He has a more stable job and a house in Florida. I'll even encourage them. Even if they don't get together, at least she'll be okay without me. Two years from now, she'll finish college and forget about Dream Inspiration and me." That was the end of the subject for then. And I had to hold my tongue and forget all about the conversation.

BPOV

When we got closer to Ireland, we had the nights off so the Irish could take it. There would be no more of our performances until we left Ireland. Tyler made sure the guests were sick of Ireland by bombarding them with the stereotypical Irish cultural icons. Green was everywhere on the ship. Shamrocks, alcohol, leprechauns, and things were everywhere. We still had practices and we still had to mingle and join the guests and the crew at dinner, however.

That night was Riverdance. I was amazed and enthralled with the culture of it. For once I didn't have to try to ignore Edward. I ignored my dinner and my friends.

"Hey, Bella, aren't you going to eat?" Apparently Jacob had been trying for a few moments to get my attention.

"Oh yeah, I forgot."

"She loves other cultures, especially Irish." Edward explained, almost as an aside.

"I wish I could sing that well. Wouldn't mind knowing how to dance like that either," I added.

The Irish performers didn't hang out with the rest of us. Few of the guest performers did. They had a different routine than we did. Moreover, the passengers and sometimes the crew tended to be a little star-struck. They could go crazy if the guest performers were famous. I wasn't one to fall all over someone just because they were a celebrity, but I was in awe of Astor, the female lead. She had an amazing talent.

"Bells. Hello, Bella?" Alice had to touch me before I answered her.

"Sorry Alice, what is it?"

"If we're going to the early practice, we'd better leave now."

"I guess you're right, but I'd hate to miss a second." I did eventually get up and follow Alice, without another word to Jacob or Edward.

EPOV

"She loved it," Jacob said.

"Bella is a very passionate person about certain things. She can get absorbed. I'm glad it isn't a lot of things. Usually it's just books, but Ireland is a very close second. She'd wear herself and her friends out," I replied.

"I guess passion can be exhausting."

"Yes, but it's better than not having passion at all. It keeps people motivated." Jacob was irritating me. He mocked Bella's passion and didn't have any of his own. At least, none that he'd spoken about. I hadn't heard him talk about anything other than himself, and his love for the sea seemed a bit flat to me.

Maybe, though, I could give him some hints about how to handle Bella. Maybe he'd let her know more about him than he showed me.

"Her birthday is the sixteenth and Alice has Ireland planned for her. Three days of the culture she loves so much."

"What are you doing for her?" Jacob asked, with a failed attempt at nonchalance. He'd been hanging out with us a lot more than I was really comfortable with. I knew that if I was smart, I'd encourage Jacob in his pursuit of Bella and leave her alone as I'd told Alice was my plan. If I couldn't give her all of me, it was selfish to try to keep her my secret. That's why I tried to give Jacob hints now and then.

"A day of lessons with them," I pointed at the performers on stage.

"Really?"

"Yeah. Monday Bella is going to learn to dance and sing with them."

"Way to use your power for good."

"Bella deserves it." I almost stopped there, but he needed a little bit of information about her. He was interested, obviously, what guy wouldn't be, but was still hesitant. I guessed maybe it was because of me. "She works hard at helping with things that aren't her responsibility. Most of the people on this staff only do their jobs. Bella is always helping someone even when she should be resting."

"She sounds like someone I should get to know better." That was all I could take for the moment.

"I better get to bed myself, practice comes early."

BPOV

My dreams that night involved me, Edward, and Irish music.

I woke up late and had to rush to get to practice on time. I had to leave out most of my morning routine so I felt rushed the entire day. We were docked for the weekend to refuel and to let the guests have a little change of pace. The guests were required to spend the night on shore so the staff had the entire ship to ourselves. Practice that morning was more of a stress relief than actual practice.

Jacob, Edward, Alice, and I spent the entire day in and around the pool. I was surprised that Edward wasn't somewhere else; he usually didn't hang out with us. But I thought that maybe Alice was right. Maybe he'd just been busy with the start of the season and was now ready to be friends again.

It was almost like old times. We kidded each other all day and just had fun. No stress, no pressure. Sunday started out great too. However, Edward seemed like he was trying to get my attention on Jacob. He kept asking him questions and maneuvering so that I was next to Jacob a lot. He also gave out way too much information about me. The attention was becoming annoying.

Sunday morning I put on some music and had my own little quiet time. I read and spent a few hours thinking over things. Alice and Edward had gone ashore to a Catholic church. They wanted some structure; even if it wasn't the kind of church they usually went to. I didn't know what Jacob was doing.

After lunch I walked the decks, taking pictures of the port and the water. I also took the opportunity to take pictures of the ship. I preferred not to have strangers in my pictures that I put in my online blog. My blog was very popular in the summer when I worked Dream because people loved reading about the different places I saw. They also loved the pictures.

I was on the pool deck taking pictures of the port when I saw Edward walking with a girl that worked mainly as a dancer. She was very flirty with him, and he seemed to be enjoying it. He was casually strolling alone, laughing. I hadn't heard him laugh in a long time. They looked like they were best friends. Every step they took, every time she touched him, every time he laughed, was a stab of pain to my heart. I realized that he had _never_ been that free with me. _Never_ been completely at ease. But at the same time, he'd laughed much more genuinely with me. And he'd never seemed that controlled with me.

He looked up and directly at me, as if he'd known the entire time that I was there. I turned around and walked away, my pictures finished for the moment. I went to the computer labs and uploaded my pictures to my online picture account. I avoided everyone the rest of the day. I skipped dinner and stayed in my room, writing.

After dinner, Alice came by my room. I heard someone knock, but I didn't answer it.

"I'm not available right now, so if you would please leave a message at the beep, I'll get back to you as soon as I am ready to see anyone. Beep." I called through the door. The door opened anyway and Alice walked in.

"If you didn't want me to come in, then you shouldn't have given me a key, or you should have locked the bolt." I continued walking away and sat in my favorite chair.

"What happened Bella?"

"I, I, um." I broke down and cried. Alice just sat there, on the arm of the chair, rubbing my back.

"Okay, okay. I'll be okay. I'm okay now."

"Really? Now, what happened?"

"I was up on deck, taking pictures. It was after lunch, and I saw Edward and, and."

"Ah. You saw Edward and Lauren."

"Lauren? Is that her name?"

"Yeah. She kind of ambushed us on our way out of Mass. Then she proceeded to edge me out and away from him. She's had the hots for Edward longer than you. And she's been a pro for four years. She is really forward towards him."

"Why didn't I know about it before now? I haven't seen her much."

"Because she doesn't try anything when you are around. You know, typical girl catty behavior. I guess you aren't the only one who's noticed Edward doesn't hang out with you as much anymore." She left a little while after that, after I had cried my tears out.

I needed air, so I walked out on the pool deck. The ship was pulling out of port and the wind was blowing a little harder than normal. There must have been a storm out at sea somewhere. The ship was rocking with the waves and it was getting worse with each wave.

"All I've ever wanted was not to hurt. But I don't want to have a hard heart. I've avoided this my entire life. And just now do I know--." The ship rocked and someone stumbled from around the corner not very far from me.

"Oh!"

"Edward? Are you okay? What happened?"

EPOV

I was standing on deck, and heard a door open and someone walk out on deck. I peered around the corner and saw that it was Bella. She hadn't been at dinner and I'd missed her. It was difficult to not think about her, when even her absence was like a rebuff for my past behavior. The look on her face when she'd noticed me with Lauren had cut me to the bone.

I didn't exactly like Lauren, but she'd pushed herself on me. I tried to get her to leave me alone, but when she wouldn't, I had decided to make the best of it. I allowed myself to relax and ended up laughing like I hadn't in a while. Until I saw Bella.

"I didn't want to hurt her," I whispered to the waves. I knew she was hurt when she didn't show up to dinner. I didn't know what to do next time I saw her. I couldn't apologize as I wanted without showing how much I really felt. But I didn't want to just ignore her, either. Now, here we both were, a few feet apart, under the romantic sky. I nervously tried to very carefully to get behind her to the door. She _would_ stand right in front of the door.

I paused at the corner for a few seconds. She sighed and I leaned closer to hear if she would say anything. I wanted so much to hear her speak. And then she did.

"All I've ever wanted was not to hurt. But I don't want to have a hard heart. I've avoided this my entire life. And just now do I know--." I hadn't noticed how far I was leaned over until the boat rocked with the next wave and I fell over.

BPOV

He picked himself up and brushed himself off. I didn't know what to do or how to act. How long had he been there? Had I whispered loud enough for him to hear?

"Yeah, I'm okay. I've been out here for a while and was trying to get by without disturbing you." There was so much to ask. So much to talk about. I didn't say anything.

"I'm going to bed. You should too. Alice said that you two were going to the early practice. Good night."

"Good night." I stayed a few minutes longer after he left.

I woke up late and once again had to rush to get to practice. Since I was going to be getting sweaty and it was Monday, I didn't bother to really look nice. I wish I had.

I approached the practice room and didn't hear or see anyone else. And then no one was in the room. I put my stuff down in the corner and started warming up. I glanced at my watch and saw that everyone was late. I was confused until I saw the dry erase board.

"Practice is cancelled today. Enjoy your day off. Edward Cullen."

"Oh that's great. Why didn't he tell me last night or put it in the newsletter?"

"Because I wanted to surprise you." I turned around and Edward stood there with all ten Irish performers.

"We hear that Thursday is your birthday," said one of the girls.

"And that you are really interested in learning Riverdance," said one of the guys.

"Edward asked us to give you some lessons as a birthday present," another added. I was speechless. Did he really do all this for me? And why did he have to mention my birthday?

Juliana and Anderson taught me part of a Riverdance in the morning. They taught me first about the cultural aspect of it. I was enjoying it so much that I forgot about Edward again. But when I looked for him, he was as into as I was.

Edward left sometime before lunch, but I was invited to eat with the group, so I ended up spending the whole day with them. Over lunch, I listened to their stories of Ireland and got to know them a little.

They were all from around Dublin and had been friends for years. Sean and Astor were married to each other and Juliana and Lachlan were married to other people in the company. After I learned a little about them, they asked about me. They asked why I was so into Ireland. I said because the little bit of the culture I knew had just gotten into my blood and heart.

"Yeah, the land will do that to you. You must have some Irish in you somewhere," Astor said.

After lunch, I had one more dance lesson and then the guys left me to Astor and Juliana to teach me to sing. That was my favorite part. The guys rejoined us later and Anderson asked if I would like to join them on stage.

"Thanks, but I'm not ready for that."

"You did very well. We'll put you in the back so no one will see you. You only know one dance and one song so it won't be the whole performance. It just so happens that we'll ask some of the guests and other staff to join us at different times in the night," Juliana said.

They finally convinced me. The other performers were just as excited to have me join them. I was surprised that they were so welcoming. I realized that maybe the guest performers didn't have to be strangers after all.

As they promised I was in the back. I danced the one dance and sang the one song. And I really enjoyed it. I also loved the costume they gave me. Jacob and Alice gave me a standing ovation.

After dinner, I chased Edward down and gave him a hug. I didn't even think about the night before. I didn't want it to get awkward. He'd left the dining room before my song was over. I found him up on deck cleaning the spilled liquor from around the outside bar. He was still in his suit and after I hugged him, I began helping him. I was still in the costume that the performers had given me, and it was awkward to bend over.

"That was the best present I've ever gotten. No one has ever given me that much thought. They usually don't really listen."

"It wasn't that time consuming. All I had to do was ask them. They didn't even have to be convinced."

"Thanks just the same." I took the chance of him turning his back and hugged him again. I squeezed tight and he actually hugged back this time. I let go too soon, smiled at him, and walked away. I decided not to look back. My forwardness had shocked me and my blush would have been noticeable even in the dark.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

BPOV

I did not want to miss one second of Ireland. We spent several days within sight of it on our way up to Dublin. As soon as land was sighted, I spent as much time as I could outside, just looking at the amazing landscape. We were required to go to more practices now and Edward and I continued practicing. But while we were alone, he fidgeted and was uncomfortable until we were through. I wondered again if we could ever be the same as we were before.

I spent a lot of time with Jacob and Alice. But the nights right before dinner I reserved for the deck. Most of my friends didn't share my love of the fresh air of outside. So I got to be alone almost every night. I still helped Angela every few days. And now I would have the Irish performers to talk to. They would be coming back to America with us, so I could talk to them the whole way back.

Edward kept pushing me and Jacob together which should have been hard since he also avoided both of us as much as possible. It wasn't hard to understand what he was doing. He felt guilty for not returning my feelings and wanted to push me off on Jacob so I wouldn't have those feelings for him anymore.

It was rare that Edward ever relaxed. He worked until he collapsed. However, the Tuesday before we got to Dublin, I found him lounging next to the pool. I decided that now might be a good time to try to be friends again.

"Edward! You interested in a game of air hockey? Alice, Jacob and I are playing today."

"No thanks. I'm just going to lay here and soak up some sun."

"Okay." I bit my lip, wanting to make everything between us okay, but doubting it would happen with one sentence. "I wish we could hang out more. I know things are different now, but I miss you."

"I'll hang out later, I promise." With that, all I could do was leave him to himself, knowing good and well he wasn't joining us later.

EPOV

I knew I was hurting myself and Bella. But I had to stay away from her. I knew I had to. I couldn't risk getting hurt again. And I didn't want to hurt her more. Every single girl I'd dated broke up with me after they knew about the DayStar Children's Center. They were looking for marriage and didn't want to have only part of my attention. They were enthralled by my job on Dream but nothing more.

And Lauren was just an example. She thought I was rich and as soon as she knew about the DS she would leave me alone. She was a distraction and gave me an excuse to push Bella away. Lauren was fun and I knew there would be no chance of me getting serious about her. So later, once Bella was over her little crush, I could show Lauren the DayStar and she'd leave me, neither one of us really hurting.

I ignored how selfish I was being. As considerate as I usually was, and as much as it was hurting me to hurt Bella, I didn't acknowledge my selfishness. I knew that Bella would end up getting more hurt later on when she was pushed aside for the DS. That Jacob was better for Bella because he didn't have things to take his attention from her.

I would feel better when Bella and Jacob were together. Forget that Jacob always avoided discussions about deep things and that he seemed a little preoccupied with appearances. And that he wasn't really good enough for Bella at all. He didn't seem to care about the same things she did. I'd take care of that when Bella was over me. I just couldn't bring myself to hang out with Jacob much. Not with Bella around. Maybe I just hadn't gotten to know him well enough to see how great a guy he really was. And I really didn't want to.

BPOV

When I got to the game room, Jacob was there but Alice hadn't got there yet.

"Guess Alice is going to be late. Ready to play?"

"Why didn't you tell me your birthday is Thursday?" His blunt question threw me off.

"Jacob, I don't tell anyone. I prefer to keep it a secret as far as I am concerned."

"Do you really not like attention? Or is that just an act? You do get on stage. And you are the female lead singer in most performances so I've been told." Was he being serious, or was he just kidding around?

"See, I love to sing. At least on stage the lights keep me from seeing the faces of the audience, and it doesn't feel like that much attention. If there was a way to do it without getting attention, I would. But it is hard not to get noticed, even when you're not right out in front on stage. Just ask Edward and Alice. I prefer the back. Edward put me up front."

"That's right, Jacob. It took a whole school year to convince her to take the lead part. The only reason she is dancing is because it is part of the requirement," Alice came in then.

"Why?" asked Jacob.

"Maybe later. Let's play." All this talking about me was becoming more uncomfortable. Air hockey is my favorite game. I'm not exactly the best at it, or any other game that takes physical skill. But I love it. I can occasionally win against toddlers, but they even beat me sometimes.

After the game, Jacob walked me to my cabin. I hoped he'd forgotten all about the whole I-don't-bring-up-my-birthday-because-I'd-rather-not-have-to-deal-with-it thing. But no, he asked me once again why I avoided attention.

"Jake, can't you just leave it alone? Just accept that I don't like attention and leave it at that?"

"Nope. Because it just doesn't seem like it's just about the whole 'so clumsy almost disabled' thing. It seems like there's more to it than that."

"Okay, fine, argh! Now, remember, you asked. This is not a pity request. Alright. I just don't think I deserve the attention. I am very uncomfortable with lots of people acknowledging my presence. I am completely ordinary in every way and don't see any reason for any attention. There, satisfied?"

"But you do so much. Even when you think no one is watching. I was in the security camera room the other day and you were picking up trash in the first class deck." I blushed at this, and opened my mouth to say something, but he continued right over me. "And all the maids gush about how well you treat them. Not so demanding as some other performers. It makes the rest of us feel guilty to hear them. You do so much for so many. You are an amazing person."

By then we had reached my stateroom. I had turned my back to my door to say goodnight. My face was still hot with the blush brought on by his words. Jacob put one arm on the wall behind my head and before I could think he leaned in and kissed me.

I was caught off-guard. I didn't know he liked me that much. Sure, Alice had tried to tell me, but I didn't know him that well. Certainly not well enough to know if I wanted to kiss him. I scrambled to get my hand on the doorknob. I found it, pulled back from him as much as I could, said goodnight, and closed the door behind me. I leaned on the door until I heard Jacob walk away. I had no idea what to do.

I knew as many facts about Jacob as I knew about Edward. But I felt like I knew Edward and didn't know Jacob. I guess you don't need to know facts about the past to know someone. Jacob was a really nice guy. But I loved Edward, right?

My situation reminded me about how I thought about guys when I was younger. My interest would move to the guy that seemed to show the most interest in me. It was rare that I would genuinely like a guy. They were always overshadowed by the other guy. Of course, I never really ended up with either guy, so my roaming feelings never hurt anyone.

So now I had to decide. I was almost 21, and it was time to grow up, especially when it came to my thinking about guys. I didn't have a chance at all with Edward. Was I stupid to hold on to hope with him and possibly miss something great with someone else? Or if I went with Jacob, would it just be because he kissed me? My very first kiss, at that? I had told him that I didn't have a lot of experience kissing because I preferred to actually be in a relationship before that step. Since I had never actually been in a relationship, I had never been kissed before. I'd told him all that, but maybe he forgot?

I went to bed with those questions and woke up to the sound of waves on the shore of Dublin. I hadn't set my alarm, but my clock said 5:00 am. The sun was just rising above the ocean horizon. I got dressed quickly and went out on deck, my worries temporarily forgotten.

There were a few early birds up and walking around. Although we weren't quite to the dock, the noises of Dublin drifted on the wind. I breathed in the salty air and softly sang to myself. No matter what was going on in my life, nature was still amazing and awesome. I knew that things would work eventually, but the questions I had were growing from whispers to shouts.

The questions weren't just about Edward and Jacob. They barely touched the shouted questions about my future. Where was the place set aside for me? So many different desires crowded my heart and I couldn't see how they went together. How I fit all the pieces together and what would the puzzle look like?

I stood on deck for the next hour and a half, watching as Dublin's port came closer. Sometimes crowds of people came up to the deck. They stayed a few moments and were replaced by others. At one point, Anderson, one of the Irish performers, joined me.

"I haven't been home in three years," he whispered softly. "Irish culture is so popular now that we are constantly booked. We jumped at the chance to get this booking. Fortunately, Lachlan had worked with Edward before."

"Lachlan knows Edward?"

"Yeah, they're friends. Lachlan helps sometimes at the DayStar Children's Center in Florida. Edward has him there all the time"

I was a bit thrown off. Here was a chance for me to find out something new about Edward's personal life. I had no idea why the DayStar was kept a secret, but there had to be some reason Edward didn't tell me about it. I loved children's center programs. They touched my heart deeply and in a way that I didn't really understand. And Edward worked at one. But I held in my questions and Anderson and I just watched the docking process silently.

I was too excited to eat breakfast. I tried to avoid going, but all staff were required to be at meals and someone would notice me missing. They always knew. I couldn't find Edward or Alice, but Jacob found me so I sat with him and some of the crew. I wanted to avoid him and the subject of the kiss, but I didn't really want to sit alone either.

The crewmembers rarely sat with the rest of the staff, and I discovered that we weren't missing much. They were mostly old men and acted very mature and dignified.

"No wonder you always hang out with us. Those officers are so still and don't seem able or willing to have fun," I said after they'd left.

"They just have a different kind of fun. Very different. Are you finished?"

"Yeah, I'm just going back to my room to get ready for Dublin."

"I'll walk you." I still wasn't ready to discuss the kiss, but Jacob insisted on walking me to my room. I was nervous, but he didn't mention it at all and Alice was waiting for me at my room.

"Thanks for delaying her Jacob." I looked at Alice and then looked at Jacob.

"What?" He said, smiling. Then he walked away.

"Go get your stuff. All you need is your already-packed-by-me backpack. Here you are, now off we go." Alice handed me my pack, linked arms with me, and steered me to top deck.

"Alice, what's going on? Do I have any money in here? Where are we going? Is there money that I can spend in Dublin?" She didn't stop or answer me until we got to the top of the lowered gangway.

"Alright Bella. You are getting an all-expenses-paid dream vacation in County Dublin, Ireland. We have taken care of all the planning. However, because we know you, the whole first part of the first day, and any other time you wish, will be for you alone.

"Here's an information guide and a map. Here is a cell phone with all the numbers you may need already programmed in." Alice pointed to a point circled in red.

"Meet me here at three o'clock. If you want one of us sooner, you can call. Enjoy it. We have the rest of your time all planned out. And don't worry about spoiling anything. You won't be able to do anything we have planned by yourself. Or at least you won't do it. See you at three if not sooner."

She pushed me onto the gangway and I followed orders. I found a bench to sit on and figured out what I was going to do next. I almost cried because of my friends. I never knew that I was so loved. Alice knew me too well. I was looking forward to Ireland, but was trying to figure out how to be alone sometime. And she took care of it.

I wondered around downtown Dublin, but I couldn't enjoy it. Something had been nagging be since Jacob kissed me. It had just been the night before. We hadn't talked about it. I didn't want to talk about it. I hoped that Jacob would never bring it up or try to kiss me again. Because I didn't enjoy it.

I knew I had told Jacob that I didn't want to kiss anyone until I was in a relationship. I _knew_ it. He knew my plans and kissed me anyway. I figured that was why he'd looked sheepish and hadn't brought it up. Walking me to my room from breakfast he hadn't spoken much and seemed to be waiting for me to speak.

I sat there a few minutes longer, rethinking things I'd already realized. In the two weeks I had known Jacob, I had learned more about him than I knew about Edward. But as I realized earlier, they were only superficial facts. The superficial things that only seem important when they fit together to form a whole.

I knew almost no facts about Edward, but I felt that I knew the whole, regardless of the information about the DayStar Children's Center I had just learned. I realized that if I wasn't already in love with Edward, I was very close. And that wouldn't be easy to change. I could never make myself love Jacob. I somehow knew that we were too different and that we were headed in two different directions.

I loved Dream, but it wasn't what I wanted to do forever. Dream was a temporary _job_. Dream was Jacob's career. At most it would end up being a seasonal thing and a long distant relationship for the rest of the year. That is, after this one year was over. It wouldn't be fair to either of us.

Before I knew it, I had wasted four hours sitting on a bench. I found a food stand and bought something for lunch. I sat on the ground next to a semi-secluded pond and ate.

As I was finishing, I felt someone looking at me. I looked up and Edward was staring at me from across the pond. I tried to wave him over, but he shook his head no and faded into a crowd of passers-by.

"Darn you Edward. Why won't you let me love you?"

"Talking to someone?" I looked up to see Jacob standing over me. I started and blushed, hoping he hadn't heard my muttering.

"No, just myself." I hoped that the disappointment I felt didn't show up on my face.

"Do you mind if I join you?" I moved over to leave room for him to sit down. "Isn't Dublin beautiful?" I nodded, afraid to speak. Afraid that I would blurt out something that would hurt him. I didn't want to hurt him. I needed to get to know him better. See what was deeper inside. Really see if what I felt was true. Maybe all this stuff I felt was because my feelings for Edward were keeping me from something just as great, if not greater than, whatever I could have had with Edward.

"God must love the color green," he said. "Ireland is so green and beautiful. In London we didn't get to see much natural beauty. It was all architecture and manmade beauty. I like to sit outside on the deck and drink in the stars."

I was caught off guard by this. It was as if he'd read my mind my need to know a piece of his heart.

Just as he was about to say something else, the cell phone rang.

"Hello?…Yeah, its okay…..I was just finished lunch and was about to call you to meet up…..Okay…..See you there in five minutes. Bye. C'mon. We're gonna meet up with Alice." Jacob looked disappointed, but I was relieved. I'd never been kissed before and didn't know how to act. I knew that if we sat there talking in that imposed intimacy it would lead to talking about the kiss. The forced intimacy would lead deeper than I was ready to go only having known him a week. I had no idea how a relationship worked, the natural progression from acquaintances to dating. I still wasn't ready to talk about it.

We were walking to the fountain to meet Alice when I spotted Edward and Lauren. They were sitting on a bench set back under an arbor, almost hidden. I saw them, and turned quickly away.

But not before I saw them kiss.

My heart broke into a million pieces and I almost started crying right then. By the time I got to Alice, I couldn't even enjoy the Riverdance show that Alice had planned. I couldn't even eat the Irish meal they ordered for me.

"Bella, are you okay?" Jacob asked.

"Actually, Jacob, I'm feeling pretty sick. It happens the first day in a new port. Alice, can we just go back to my room? Sorry Jacob."

"It's okay. I have plans for you later." I squeezed my eyes shut to keep from crying again. I said goodnight and got up, taking for granted that Alice followed me.

I walked straight to my room and closed the door. I barely waited for it to close behind Alice before I burst out crying the tears I'd been holding back. It really was rare that I cried very much. I usually let a few tears escape and then sucked it up. But it was hours before I could breathe without sobbing.

"Now, Bells, tell me what's wrong."

"I saw Edward kissing Lauren," I said around stuttering sobs. And there was nothing left to be said.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: All **_**Twilight **_**characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

Chapter 5

EPOV

I never should have let Lauren kiss me. Sure, she was beautiful and attractive and wouldn't leave me alone. But I was upset about Bella and very vulnerable. I almost went over to her when I saw her across the pond. But then Jacob had come up behind her.

I just so happened to have run into Lauren after that and she'd grabbed my hand and walked with me. Pulled me along with her was more like it. And then she pulled me down on that bench almost hidden from the road. She hadn't said anything, just kissed me.

I felt guilty because I thought that maybe I'd kissed her back a little. But I did stop it quickly. Just in time to see the back of Bella's head as she walked past. And my heart twisted inside me because she was with Jacob. Even though I had plans to push them together, it still dropped my heart a few levels when I saw them walking together so close.

What should I do? Now I had the complications of Lauren. After the kiss, she'd told me that she was thinking about extending her seasonal commitment to a full year or longer. And she made sure to make it sound as if she expected it to depend on me.

I guess I did have fun with Lauren. And then a thought struck me. I knew that Bella had seen me in the other port walking with Lauren. And I knew deep down that Bella had seen the kiss. If I were to be dating Lauren, or anyone else, then Bella would move on to Jacob or anyone else. In the meantime I'd have Lauren as a reason to move on and maybe even forget about Bella.

I felt my heart hardened a little as I smiled down at Lauren and scooted a little closer to her. I didn't remember later what I said to her, but Lauren was smiling very big as she kissed me goodnight and skipped off to bed.

BPOV

"Alice, I don't know that I can do this. I can't stay here a year with them. Him, not with Lauren! No, she's, she's, she's."

"She's not nearly as good as you. I don't know what has gotten into Edward. He told me he didn't like her at all. And I know he's tried to avoid her since she started in on him. I honestly don't know what's gotten into him. She is manipulative and a skank whore. She doesn't care about anyone but herself at all."

It really ruined my birthday. I didn't see Edward at all, and I learned that he and Lauren stayed on board all day. That night, Jacob surprised me with flowers. Alice had laid out the lounge dress that I hadn't yet worn. I dressed automatically. I wasn't even looking forward to more time in Ireland. Fortunately, outside, I was able to pretend as though nothing was wrong. And I don't think Jacob even noticed.

The restaurant was beautiful. The flowers were nice too. Jacob was dressed very formally. He looked so mature and handsome in his dress pants and button up shirt. I couldn't blame him for not being Edward. But I had to try really hard to remember that it wasn't his fault. I think I really pulled it off. He continued with his planned evening and speeches.

"Bella, you are a great girl. I have to admit that I have watched you on purpose on the security cameras. Not too often, but one of my friends works in security and I have visited him a couple of times. Don't worry, I wasn't spying. But when I saw you on camera, I watched a little bit." This creeped me out a little, but also flattered me. I'd never been stalked before. It was almost sweet, in a weird way, I guess.

"You are beautiful. Not only on the outside, but your personality is like no one I have ever met. I am usually very selfish, but you challenge me to think about others. And I would love it if we could get to know each other better and try dating." I sighed. He was a nice guy. And I guess I didn't know enough about him to know for sure whether it would work out or not.

"Jacob, I think you are a great guy too. And I think that I would like to get to know you better. However, there are a few boundaries that we need to establish." I also needed to remind him of a few things that he seemed to have forgotten.

"Can't those things wait? I would like to enjoy this evening with you."

"It won't take long, unless we have to discuss things. And I think we should set them now."

"Okay, shoot. I guess we have the whole night for being romantic."

"First thing: I do not want to kiss until I have been in a relationship for a while. It is nothing personal. I decided that a long time ago. I want a relationship based on more than just the physical side. Second: I want to get to know the real you. Not just the very charming man that I have been hanging out with. Third: I won't date anyone I won't marry, and I don't want you to either. Not that I'm expecting to marry you, but I want you to understand that if I see major differences I will break it off. And I want you to do the same." Gosh, was I trying to scare the guy off? Talking about marriage on our first date? Maybe.

"I don't want you to change for me. Please be you. I want to be comfortable with you if we date. Also, one more thing. I have never dated anyone before. I don't really know what to do. You'll have to show me. And since I have killed the mood and while it is dead, is there anything you want to tell me? Any boundaries you want to set?" He looked at me a few beats, smiled slightly, then took my hand. I just knew that I had scared him off. I even kind of hoped that he would be freaked out by me being so up front at the very beginning.

"I just want to say that I will respect those boundaries and any others that you think should be set. I will not do anything to hurt you and I will try to be myself. Though I will have to get comfortable with you first. I understand that you want to take things slowly. And I will do everything I can to teach you how to be in a relationship." He kissed my hand and looked up at me, wicked glint in his eyes after that last sentence.

And it had begun. I found out from Alice that Lauren and Edward were together now. It was confirmed Saturday morning in practice. Most of us were rusty from the three day break from practice. But not Lauren.

She looked great. We tended not to dress up for practice because no one looked glamorous. Lauren dressed up today, though. She had her hair fixed and makeup on and a new warm-up outfit. It was barely an outfit. It was tight and parts of it were made of sheer material. The look was topped by a very big smile. She hung around Edward and made sure to be on the front row for warm-up.

Fortunately for me Mike was better and could sing his parts. I was waiting for the time when I would be replaced as female lead. Surely after all that had happened, Edward wouldn't keep me as the lead. Surely his new girlfriend would be promoted. Lauren was upset that she didn't get it in the first place, but the fact was that she couldn't sing at all. Maybe Edward would remember _that_. He'd definitely forgotten _me_.

Fortunately, I was cast as the female lead in the new program as well. Lauren wasn't happy again, but she tried not to show it. I settled into a routine with Jacob and Alice. Edward hung out with Lauren's friends and I only saw him at practices now.

Alice had only signed up for the summer. She was going back to college in August and was looking forward to seeing her boyfriend Jasper Whitlock. I hadn't thought about what would happen when she left if Edward didn't care for me. And now, I was dating Jacob. We had spent very little time so far alone together. Which was actually kind of perfect. I could ignore the fact that he wasn't Edward. That I was supposedly dating a man I knew very little about and who was not the one I really wanted to be with.

Jacob was busy with the crew and I was busy learning the new show. But it wouldn't last long. Things would soon calm down and our schedules would work themselves out. I would be lonely without Alice there and would have to hang out with Jacob alone now. That thought was semi-depressing. And we would have been dating for two months by then. I hoped that we would be better friends by then, at least.

The night before Alice left, Jacob got me alone for a few hours. I had to let him because it was our anniversary. I couldn't believe he'd remembered. I had to stop being so mean to him. He had proven to be a sweet and considerate person. He respected every boundary I set. While I saw no evidence of his interests apart from navigation, I knew from past experience that what matters is the state of the heart, not the outward signs. The little things that still weren't right could change over time.

Later, I collapsed on my couch next to Alice.

"Alice, I don't know. He's nice and everything, but just as a friend. And my heart is numb. It's like I turned off everything I am passionate about to fit in with him. He doesn't read. He seems bored when I talk about my writing. All he talks about is navigation and England. And how much he has grown since knowing me. And how much I have taught him and changed him and him, him, him." Oh yeah, and other surface things about me.

"Oh, today he talked about how beautiful I am and how good I look dancing now and how much I've grown as a dancer."

"Those are good things."

"But if he's not talking about him, he's concentrating on the shallow things about me. It's sweet, but he hasn't listened to me at all. He doesn't care about the real me. There is more to him, I know. Alice, I don't know if I can do this."

"Then don't. Break up with him."

"But if I do, I'll have no one left. Edward ignores me unless he's telling me what to do in practice. You're leaving tomorrow. I can't be alone. This wasn't supposed to be this way."

"I know. But you do have other friends on the Inspiration. I can't figure Edward out. He won't even talk to me about it. I promised you that we'd be friends after him. I promised not to let him come between us. Because you are my best friend in the world. He's just my brother. Jacob isn't the only friend you have left."

"But there's no one close like you and Edward. In a couple more months, I will have three months off. Listen to me. I want to spend your last night having fun. Not moping about a guy I love and one I don't."

And it was a fun night. And I didn't cry when Jacob and I said goodbye to Alice the next day. Edward stood on an upper deck and waved goodbye to her. He'd said bye to her at breakfast. The next two and a half months weren't too bad. As far as I knew Jacob never suspected that I didn't really want to date him. It became a comfortable thing. It was easy to laugh with him about his interests and see how important they were to him. It also fit into my observations about love.

I was pulled into Jacob's world of crew members. And I was bored out of my mind. Now, don't get me wrong. You are probably wondering why, with all of my ideas of love and my knowledge about my feelings towards Jacob, I continued to date him. I'm not so dense as to only date so that I wouldn't be alone. At the time, I wasn't so aware of the depth of my feelings.

As far as I knew, it was just the comparison between Jacob and Edward that left me cold. I was determined then to get to know Jacob for him and not compared to Edward. With Alice there, it was easy to continue to hold on to the comparison. But once Alice was gone, and Edward was gone, I had to get to know Jacob. And he was a nice guy. Very stable and intelligent. And he didn't keep secrets, I knew all about his past and what he wanted for his future.

So we were friends, I guess. He was the closest friend I had at the time since Alice was at college or at home.

Angela still needed our talks. I still had practices, and was still the female lead in the shows. And we were constantly learning new shows. We always had to have themed shows to go along with the special performers for each port of call.

Edward's birthday was in October and I sent him a copy of a book that he'd been looking for for many years. I'd found it in one of the ports we stopped in and saved it for his birthday. I sent it to him anonymously and he didn't send a reply. I hoped he would know it was me but then I also hoped he wouldn't. Would he accept it from me?

I got more anxious as the end of the season came closer. Jacob had helped me figure out my driving plans. A perk of dating a navigator. I would be able to get to go to all the places I really wanted to see. Museums and historical and literary landmarks. I would get to visit a few of my friends that had already graduated from college and in December there were more friends that I would get to see during the break. I would also see my parents, although it took some rearranging. And I would spend the last two weeks in Chicago with Alice.

There was also the big ball at the end of the season. The Holiday cruise was for Dream employees only and rotated ships every year. It was a weeklong cruise and it was very relaxing. This year it was on the Dream Inspiration so we would have to clean the ship and help with the cruise. But most of the cruise would be taken care of by the company managers and guest staff so we could relax and have fun.

The very last night of the cruise there was a big Holiday Ball. It was extremely formal. All the women rented or bought ball gowns and the men wore tuxedos. I missed Alice and her fashion sense. This was her area, not mine. In spite of everything that had happened, I hoped that I could get at least one dance with Edward.

It was my first Holiday Cruise because I was always at school. Tyler, the CD, wanted us to perform two nights so that he could show off. But the rest of the week there was a guest band to let everyone dance. I wasn't as busy as before, but Jacob was just as busy. He was required to be on his best professional behavior and had to work twelve hours a day. That left very little time for us. And when we were together, he was grouchy and very flirty. He kept trying to be physical and wouldn't leave me alone.

"Jacob, if you try to kiss me one more time, then you can go to the Ball by yourself."

"Oh, I may not be going with you, but I promise I won't go by myself." He boasted.

"What? Goodnight, Jacob. I don't think you are at your best. Call me tomorrow if you're okay then." I thought that he might be drunk. And I had no idea why he was drunk. I didn't know he drank. And then there was his comment about not going alone. We were sitting outside by the pool and I got up and walked back to my room.

He didn't follow me, but as I had hoped, he called me the next day and apologized.

"I'm really sorry, Bella. I've just been really stressed and I have been missing you so much. The captain has been razing us about being perfect. Corporate decided to review us this week. I just need some time to just be with you." I felt very guilty. Maybe he hadn't been drunk. Jacob should be with someone who noticed when he was stressing out. Someone who cared about him as more than just a friend. He hadn't made the same decision about kissing as I had, and he deserved to be with someone who was more like him. But, maybe I could be more of what he needed, since he seemed to want me.

"I know, baby. It's okay. Tell you what; everything will be okay after the cruise. How bout I cut out two weeks on my trip and spend some time with you in Florida?"

"Really? Okay, but I have a better idea. How about I join you for a couple of weeks?"

"Sounds good. We'll set the day later. Now, what are you doing today?"

"Spending it with my girlfriend." I had made a decision to give him another chance. Dream wasn't the best place to get to know someone if you didn't work in the same department. Different schedules and requirements made it hard to spend time together. And so I spent that whole day with him. He actually got the day off. I actually had a good time.

Friday came soon after that. The Holiday Ball combined three holidays. The food was Thanksgiving, the decorations were Christmas, and at midnight there was a New Year's Eve party. It was extremely formal and it was fun to see every one dressed up, though I hated to dress up myself.

I had rented a beautiful green ball gown and had bought some green jewelry in Ireland to go with it. Alice had approved of it when I sent her the pictures over e-mail. I had been letting my hair grow out and my friend Angela fixed it. Another friend of mine that worked as a make-up artist in Hollywood in the off-season fixed my make-up. The whole point was not to look like you. You could be anyone you wanted to be. And I wanted to be the perfect girl for Jacob.

He was a good friend and a good person. He may talk about himself a lot, but he did a lot more for other people. Although I knew I wasn't the one for him, I wanted to be because he deserved it.

"Wow, Bella. I'm speechless. You take my breath away." I blushed, pleased with his reaction.

But I couldn't stop a wish that it was Edward standing at my door to pick me up. And later when we were dancing, my eyes closed themselves and I saw Edward instead of Jacob.

After two dances, I had to sit down. An old knee injury was making me regret the heels I had borrowed.

"Jacob, I'm really sorry, but I have to sit down."

"Poor baby, is it your knee? C'mon. We'll sit down over here." He didn't stay seated very long. One of the girls from security asked him to dance.

"Go on, no sense in you sitting down when I'm the one hurt."

"Okay, just one dance."

One hour later, I was still waiting for him to come back from his "one dance." I didn't know whether I was more or less relieved that I saw him dance with more than just that one girl. I occasionally glimpsed Lauren and Edward. It seemed they danced every dance together. She was not going to let any other girl dance with him.

I lost sight of them for a moment and then the thing I'd been wishing for happened. Edward sat down beside me at my table. God he looked good, but not quite like himself. Bronze hair gelled into straight spikes that were so different from his normal messy behead. His tux was definitely tailored. I wondered if his new appearance had something to do with Lauren. Maybe we both were trying to be people we weren't.

"How are you?" I asked.

"Okay, your knee hurting? I saw you only danced two dances." He'd remembered about my knee!

"Yeah, it was but Jacob hasn't been back to ask me. And no one else has either."

"Well, then, would you dance with me?" I nodded and he led me to the floor, hyperventilating the whole time.

"You mean Lauren is okay with you dancing with me?"

"She's dancing with the first mate." He pointed to her. She was very pretty that night. Her long silvery blonde hair was in an up-do and her dress was silver and white.

Edward and I danced a while without saying anything.

"Thank you for the book." He said, once again shocking me. He hadn't said anything about that.

"You're welcome."

"I was shocked. After the way I treated you, you still remembered my birthday."

"I still care about you no matter what you did. And no matter what Lauren does. I found it in Jerusalem."

"That's after I, um." He paused and I spoke.

"Yeah, I wasn't sure if you would accept it from me after, um." I paused a bit.

"How are you and Lauren doing?"

"Fine. She extended her contract to a year. And she's going to spend a few weeks in Florida during the off-season. You still driving around the country?"

"Yeah, Jacob helped me figure out the best route. If I don't run out of money I should be able to see everything I wanted. The most important thing is that I get the time alone to decide some things."

"Jacob's not going with you?" He asked, a little too curious for what he'd become—an acquaintance.

"He'll join me for a little while. I need time away from him to think. I didn't mean that the way it sounded. I need time away from everyone. Nothing has really changed."

"Bella, everything has changed." The song was about to end and I saw Lauren and Jacob both heading our way from opposite sides of the dance floor. I took the opportunity to whisper what I'd been feeling lately.

"Edward, nothing has changed. Except that I realized that I didn't really like you. I love you." I let go of him and turned to intercept Jacob. I didn't look back at Edward and Jacob bowed to me and asked for the next dance.

I was flushed and energized by my dance with Edward so I didn't have to pretend to enjoy the rest of the night with Jacob. At midnight, there was the countdown and Jacob tried to kiss me. I turned my face so that he kissed my cheek and saw Lauren kiss Edward full on the mouth. I was very glad it was time to leave.

The next day everyone was busy packing and cleaning. We pulled into port at five and the other employees began leaving. The staff of Dream Inspiration had to stay another day. We had a staff meeting at six that night. Tyler and the captain gave short speeches similar to the beginning of the season. They were pep talks really. Meant to encourage as many as possible to return in February.

"This has been a terrific season. They just seem to get better every year. Thank you to everyone who made this summer a success. Now here is Tyler to hand out the awards."

"This season was so hard to decide. As most of you know, the main requirement for the seasonal awards is that the person work the entire season. Unfortunately that excludes a lot of people who can only work for the summer months. Hopefully it will encourage those of you who only work one or two months to work a whole season or more."

Ah, the awards ceremony. Most pros don't care about the awards. They work Dream because of the relationships, the travel, and the ocean. Newbies get really excited until they find out that the trophies aren't everything they hoped for. However, there was one award that even the pros work for.

The Employee of the Season award went to the one person that did everything right. They obeyed every rule and performed their job exactly right. Or at least they didn't get caught if they did break the rules. But they also did extra things. They helped out everywhere, they had their hand in everything, and they went the extra mile for guests and other staff. The captain himself chooses the winner from nominations from all over the ship. Everyone who knows about the award actively works for it. The award also has a certain cash prize of 1000 not to mention special privileges.

I knew about the award, and just knew that it described Edward in every way. Even though after he started dating Lauren he didn't help as much, he was still into everything. I was hoping so much for Edward to win that I at first didn't hear them call my name.

"Isabella Swan? Is she here?"

"Bella, that's you! Go on up!" I was shocked. But was even more so when everyone in the audience and the upper management on stage gave me a standing ovation. When it was over, I got all kinds of congratulations and pats on the back and "you deserve it"s.

"Wow. I can't believe this. Jacob, I don't think I deserve it. There are so many others-."

"Others who don't do half as much as you do. I guess I talk about you more than I thought. The captain said that they started watching you after they heard so much about you. They were leaning towards someone else until then."

"But that other person might deserve it more than I do."

"No, they don't. It's time you realize how much you do. Now, not another word. Tomorrow is our last day together and I would like to get up early."

"I know, but I promised to help clean."

"Nope. You get the day off because of that award. Captain's orders," the captain himself said that. He had come up behind us as we were walking the outside decks.

"Anyone who does so much deserves a day off. According to the maids, you clean almost as much as they do. Only Edward Cullen does as much and he's a full-timer. Goodnight dear." And he walked off, whistling.

And I knew who the other person up for the award was. I had beat out Edward for the trophy and the 1000 prize. Wow. Maybe this was a little revenge for his total 180 degree turn since making out with Lauren?

"Here is your room. And I say goodnight and I will see you in the morning, baby." Pet names really made me uncomfortable. But I had let one slip that week when I wasn't thinking. So Jacob picked it up himself and I really couldn't say anything since I had done it first.

I changed clothes and went out on deck, not really sleepy yet. The stars were shining in spite of us being so close to the city. It was very late and the only people out were the night fishermen. They were coming in from the ocean and some were drunkenly singing. But it was barely background noise for me. All I heard was the waves and some seagulls stirred up by the fishermen.

"Okay, I did it. In order to keep my heart from hardening. I told him I love him. I trusted him with my feelings for him. Now I have to figure out how I really feel about Jacob. Sometimes I don't want to be near him at all. The very thought of him makes me want to cry because he isn't Edward. And then other times I remember how great a person he is and I feel guilty that he has me instead of someone who loves him. Please help me, God. Jacob and I both deserve to be happy. But I will be happy just finding out what to do with my life. That's what these three months are for." I whispered to the ocean and stars and then went back to my cabin and fell asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I am so not happy with this story, at all. It didn't go how I wanted it at all. There's only about three chapters or so left and maybe an epilogue if you want. **

**Thank you to everyone that has read and enjoyed this story. **

**Disclaimer: All **_**Twilight**_** characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

Chapter 6

BPOV

I had already packed everything except what I would use that day. Jacob called to wake me up at seven and came for me for breakfast at eight. We spent the day together and at five that evening, it was time to disembark. It wasn't a bad day at all. It was fun to just hang out with Jacob, no pressure from any sides. I realized that I was glad that we'd met. Even if I really couldn't see us as anything more than friends.

We left the ship early. I knew that Edward would stay until the last minute and I didn't want to see him again yet. Jacob helped load my car and I helped him with his.

"Well, I guess I'll see you in three weeks." I said.

"Right, in Washington. Are you sure you don't want to come and see my house?"

"No, besides, don't you want to see your dad? I'm sure he'd like to see you. And LaPush is only about fifteen minutes or so from where my dad lives."

"Yeah, I guess."

"Okay, I gotta get going. I'm on a tight schedule at first and want to go as far as possible tonight."

"I'll miss you, Bells."

"I'll miss you too, Jacob." I gave him a kiss on the cheek, never having felt comfortable to kiss him on the mouth, and got in my car.

I finally left the parking lot. I was headed to Orlando first. I would be staying with my friend Rosalie and her fiancé Emmett and we would go to Disney World. I was excited to go because I've never been before. Emmett would be a blast as I knew from past experience and it would be good to have a different set of issues to deal with.

As I expected, Rose and Emmett got my mind completely off Edward and Jacob. They never over thought anything and tended to be a little shallow. Their lives were exciting and spontaneous and very physical. It was a good distraction from what my life had recently consisted of.

I knew, though, that Rosalie might be able to help me with a few things. She'd never, in her whole life, had issues dealing with men. She was a gorgeous model-blonde with long legs and a beautiful face. She was also a very shrewd woman who knew how to get what she wanted. I wondered if maybe she could help me figure this whole thing out.

"Hey, Rosalie?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I talk to you for a second?"

"Sure." We were lounging around their living room, waiting for Emmett to finish getting ready for our day at Disney. I swear, he seemed more like a girl than I did, taking more than an hour to get ready in the morning. His dark curly hair had to be exactly perfect.

"What do you need to talk about Bella?"

"Well, see, there's this guy, Edward."

"Alice's brother."

"Yeah, and he's really being a jerk to me. So I started dating this other guy, Jacob. He's nice and all, but I don't know that I have feelings for him other than friendship."

"You should just go with what you feel. If you're not feeling Jacob, just have some fun with him for now, but be sure and keep the relationship light and simple. Just surface stuff. You can't really get in deep with one guy, anyway, if you're in love with another."

"Just have fun?"

"Yes, Bella. _Fun_. You can date someone without marrying them, you know. Although, I know your feelings about it."

"Well, Rose, I don't know if having sex with a different guy every night is what I'd call fun…." She laughed and bumped my shoulder with hers.

"It wasn't _every_ night. Maybe every _other_-." She stopped as soon as her fiancé walked into the room. She didn't like to talk about her past guys when she had her soul mate staring in her eyes. I gagged and walked out the door.

From there I drove straight through to Phoenix and spent a few days with my mom and her side of the family. It was actually fun. She gave me money for my birthday. It wasn't much, but we had fun shopping.

My latest step-dad Phil turned out to be a wonderful man. He was helping Renee to get her life straightened out and she was pregnant with a new baby. She looked so happy and she wanted me to join in. She didn't try to push me away as usual, but pulled me closer to her than she had since she divorced my dad. I almost wanted to stay.

"Bella, I would love for you to be a part of my new life. I am trying to straighten it up. And I realize that I screwed up when it came to you. I want you to move back in with me, or at least near me." I gave her a look that made her qualify her statement.

"However, I understand that you are grown up now and have your own life. And there is your college life. I know that you have to find your own place in this world. I want you to be happy, no matter where you are or who you are with. Tell me more about Jacob." She deftly changed the subject, although it wasn't one I wanted to discuss with her.

I couldn't hide my heart from my mother. Her new happiness had given her some of the motherly instinct that she had ignored for so long. She knew a lot and guessed at the rest.

"Bells, dating someone you barely know isn't a way to get over someone you love."

"I know him better now than when I first started dating him. He's a nice guy and I have fun with him."

"But you are in love with someone else. And you are not happy with Jacob. It sounds like he doesn't really allow you to be you."

It was really hard to take advice from Renee even though I knew she was right. It would take a while to get used to her being a mom and caring what and when I did things. Before long, it was time to head up to Washington.

I went up through the west coast, stopping at different places, saving some for my time with Jacob who would be riding back to Florida with me. My dad's house was a very different story from my mom's. They always were very different. Too different to live in the same state, much less the same house.

Mom was more laid back and country. My dad was into technology and buying my love. He actively tried to give me better things for Christmas and birthdays than my mom. This year he had a brand new SUV waiting for me. I had wanted one for years but could never afford it.

"Bells, now I know you wanted to do things on your own and take care of yourself. But I knew you wanted one and couldn't resist. And if you need help with gas, that's part of your birthday as well. Since you insist on going on this trip."

"Dad, I need this trip. And I accept your help with gas. Oh, I love it, but I could never afford the gas for this trip." I hugged him and we went inside his house. I was closer to Charlie than Renee, but that wasn't saying much. I normally didn't accept the more extravagant gifts or just _accidentally_ left them at his house. But I really really really wanted that SUV and my old car was about to fall apart.

He'd recently moved outside the city into a large house, much too large for it to remain just him for very long. He'd divorced my latest step-mother for adultery and had cleaned her out. However, she did get the apartment. I guess he'd already set his sights on a new prospect.

I spent a few days alone with my dad, and then we picked Jacob up at the airport. My dad was eager to meet my first boyfriend, and I knew that Jacob was nervous about meeting my dad. He could be very overpowering and intimidating.

However, Charlie and Jacob took to each other from the first second. They were both into technology and money. Jacob came from the reservation just down the road from Charlie's new house and he'd actually spent some time with Jacob's dad Billy. We were having such a good time that I didn't want to leave on the trip with Jacob. But two days later, we packed up my SUV and headed east.

Things were okay for the first few days. We had a lot of fun at the museums and historic landmarks. Then Jacob got tired of it. He complained about the "monuments to a dead time and dead people." He complained about being bored. He complained about the motels we stayed in. Then he started complaining about being thirsty.

No matter how many bottles of water he drank, no matter how many times we had to stop for him to use the restroom, he continued to whine about being very thirsty. One day, I pulled over and stopped the car. His complaining was not helping me think about my future.

"What'd you do that for?"

"Jacob, why are you _still_ whining about being thirsty? There are four empty bottles back there that you have drunk in the past two hours. What do you want?" He squirmed and fidgeted for a few seconds before he answered.

"I didn't want to tell you this. I didn't think it was this big of a problem. Um, I have diabetes. It makes you really thirsty. I have to drink a lot of water and have to watch my sugar intake."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know." Diabetes? Why had he never told me that?

"That's okay. I'm sorry that I've been so cranky, whiny, and taking it out on you. I just need a day's rest from this vehicle."

"Okay. We're ahead of schedule anyway. We can stop in Detroit and spend a day doing nothing."

"No, that's okay; I wouldn't want to keep you from what you had planned. You can visit places in Detroit and I'll stay in the motel." The day off seemed to help him a lot. When I got home from shopping in the city, he was happy and back to himself. He had a weird smell on his clothes, though, that I couldn't identify.

His happiness didn't last long. Two days later he was whining again so I stopped early in the day to find a motel. This time I found out the real reason. He didn't wait for me to be gone before he sought relief from his nausea.

That day we could not find a motel. We had to splurge and get rooms in a nice hotel. They were linked by a door. I settled in my room and knocked on the door between. His side wasn't locked, so after I knocked, I walked on in. I knew now what the weird smell was that sometimes followed Jacob every few days. The mini bar was open and Jacob was sitting in a chair with a lot of empty bottles on the floor in front of him and one more in his hand. He was out cold. He hadn't even unpacked. He'd gotten this drunk in just twenty minutes.

I realized then that I didn't really know much about him. He'd hidden himself away, behind his charm and ego. He gave certain details to make me think he was telling me about him. He also used alcohol to hide. I closed the door between our rooms and locked my side.

I spent the day, getting up my nerve to break up with him. Or I was trying to decide whether to give him another chance. My mother had had three alcoholic husbands and a lot of the men in my family had drinking problems. I did not want to join the battered women in my family. I refused to let any man treat me that way. I knew that Jacob had never so much as raised his voice at me, but there was menace in his voice sometimes when he got aggravated at me. Those times he really scared me.

My observations also showed me that alcoholics rarely changed.

I really didn't know Jacob. The little while I'd known him was not long enough to see all of him. My pain over Edward was really the reason I'd agreed to date him, but I thought that maybe I'd like him more after a while. Those bottles smashed any chance he might have for that.

JPOV

I woke up with a slight hang over. I was confused for a few seconds, but wasn't startled because I had done this many times before. I knew it would be only a few moments more before I would remember where I was…Wait. No. Not here. Not in front of _her_. I looked at the bottles scattered around me. So small but so potent. I looked at my watch. It had been four hours since I'd given in to the pain.

I stood up on wobbly legs and walked to the door between our rooms once the room quit spinning. I hoped that maybe Bella hadn't seen that. I didn't know if Bella would still be there, but I was formulating an excuse when I discovered the door was locked.

At the other places that had doors between the rooms, she hadn't locked it until she went to sleep. I glanced at the clock again. It was still the late afternoon, so she wasn't asleep. She knew. She'd seen the bottles. I knocked, but there was no answer. I cursed loudly and ran my hand through my hair. This was so not good. I went down to the front desk and asked if they had seen her leave.

"She left about three or four hours ago. I don't know where she went, but she was in a hurry. No, she didn't check out. No, she didn't leave a note. Is everything okay, sir?"

"Yes, everything is fine, thank you." I am so dead. I went to the bar and ordered a glass of wine. It calmed the now constant cravings and wouldn't make me drunk.

I was good at hiding the need and the ways that I met that need. I could drink a few sips of Vodka or something and barely even feel the wooziness. No one on the ship even suspected me. I had hoped that I could hide it from Bella and keep both in my life. They were both forms of escape for me.

Two hours later, I watched as she walked across the lobby to the elevators. She had a lot of shopping bags. She also had what looked like two boxes of food.

I waited a few moments, left money, and rode the elevator up to my room. One of the boxes of food was set on the desk. I walked quietly over to the door and listened. I didn't hear a sound.

BPOV

I bought some food and brought it to our rooms. I knocked on the door between the rooms, unlocked it, and walked in. He wasn't there. I put his box of food on the desk and relocked the door between. I was eating when I heard his door open. Then I heard footsteps approaching the door. So I walked over and opened it.

"Jacob."

"Bells, let me explain." He paused, waiting for me to speak.

"Go ahead, I'm waiting." I tried not to look like a mother when I said that.

"I started drinking in college after my mother died. Did I tell you she was dead?" I shook my head no. Another thing I should have known but didn't. How much of the real Jacob Black was he hiding?

"Yeah. She was my best friend. I had other friends at school, but she was my best friend. She supported me more than anyone else. And she died very suddenly while I was away. Drinking was a way to hide and to escape the pain. It kept getting worse as more things happened to hurt me. Now I can't stop."

"You are an alcoholic."

"Yeah, I guess." I stared at him for a while, not speaking.

"Please, forgive me. I'll stop, I know I can. I'll do anything to keep you. I'll do whatever you want."

"Jacob, you need to do it for you, not for me. I told you that I didn't want you to change for me. I wanted to get to know you for who you really were. But I also said that if there was any reason I found-."

"Oh, don't. No. Not that! Please don't! Bella, I love you!" He grasped my hands, pulling me closer to him.

"I don't want to hurt you. But you shouldn't want to hurt me, either. I promised myself after my alcoholic step-dads that I would never marry an alcoholic. Tomorrow we will go to the airport and you will go home. There you can decide what you want to do. I hate this, BUT DO IT FOR YOURSELF. Don't do anything because of me. Think about what it is doing to you. Think about your dream to navigate ships. Drinking will destroy all of it." He hung his head. I gently pulled my hands away and went back to my room, locking the door.

It took a while for me to fall asleep. My mind was full of all kinds of things. I wondered about Edward. How was he doing with Lauren? I knew things about her that Edward would have hated and I wondered if he'd found them out yet. I cried over Jacob, only now realizing how much me meant to me as a friend. I was scared about my future in general, still without a clue as to what I would do with it.

I dropped Jacob off at the airport the next day and told him to call me.

"We are officially broken up, but I won't abandon you. If you want to stop drinking, I'll help in any way I can. If you don't want to, I'll still be your friend. Just learn to be honest. With yourself as well as others." I hugged him and left him.

One of my questions had been answered. Not at all how I expected.

I continued on my planned route and finished earlier than I thought. After breaking up with Jacob, some things just weren't as interesting. When you do sightseeing alone, you spend less time looking at things than if you had someone to talk to about them. I was wishing that Alice could have come with me, but she had to work to make money for college. I had to stretch some of my time at my last places so I wouldn't show up too early at her house.

Of course, without Jacob's complaining, I had plenty of time to think. Unfortunately, no solutions came to me.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: I guess I need to apologize to a few readers…(caww and ktlewis my most prolific reviewers) My dissatisfaction with this story has to do with the way Edward's relationship went. I like this story over all, just not the whole thing with Edward dating a girl he didn't really like. I mean, why would you purposefully put yourself in a situation to spend more time with someone you can barely stand?**

**That didn't come out on paper quite like it was in my head. I guess it needed more editing before posting. I think I like this chapter better, but tell me what you think.**

**Thank you so much for liking this story. I kept trying to make it better for those who really like it…**

**Disclaimer: All things **_**Twilight**_** belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

Chapter 7

BPOV

I pulled up outside Alice's house and sat in my SUV, trying to calm my heart. This was where Edward had lived for most of his life. It was a large four story brick townhouse with balconies off the upper floors. The bricks were covered by trailing ivy…and I admit I was avoiding going in to talk to Alice. I hadn't told her about Jacob so she was expecting him to be with me. I actually had avoided her since I'd sent him on back to Florida.

The curtains in the window I knew was Alice's moved. I was spotted. I had to face her.

"Bella! Bella! Bella!" She yelled, throwing herself at me as I stepped out of my truck. She looked at my new SUV and over to the empty passenger seat. She raised her eyebrows at me, but didn't say anything. She just put her arm around me and told Jasper to get my suitcase. He'd followed behind her, expecting to be introduced to me, and probably my boyfriend Jacob. I told him which suitcase to get and followed Alice inside the house.

Without even talking about it, we avoided Edward, Dream, and Jacob until the day before I left. We spent the whole two weeks shopping and sightseeing and getting to know Jasper a little. I knew Alice had been trying to convince him to spend a summer working for Dream, but he seemed wary of the whole living on water thing.

I could tell they were getting serious and that worried me. Sure, he'd transferred to our college, but he was still taking her away from me. I knew that if he didn't work the Inspiration, that she'd eventually stay away too.

I wanted to get back to the ship two days early so I could get settled in before Edward and Jacob got there. Usually only the seasonal and the new employees got there that early, so I was sure I would have some time to myself. When it got closer to time for me to return to the Inspiration, I couldn't hold it back. I spilled it all right before bed.

"And Jacob hasn't even called me once. I don't know whether to be worried or relieved. Without him, I won't have any close friends on the Inspiration." Alice was speechless for once, digesting all that I'd told her.

"Wow. Jacob, an alcoholic. I always thought Jacob had an addictive personality. So, instead of spending time clearing your head and thinking about what you want to do in your future, you've worried about Edward and Jacob. All your thoughts were concentrated in those directions." I nodded.

"Alice, they both have something to do with my future. And they are both part of my past." How could I explain something that I barely knew myself? That Jacob had been a friend while Edward and Alice were not around? I had cared for him. Even though he had lied to me and hurt me, I still felt I owed him something after standing by me when Edward didn't.

I didn't know how to explain it to her, so I didn't even try. After all, she had Jasper who'd transferred colleges to be with her. Lucky girl.

I left early the next morning because I wanted to get to the ship in time to get settled in before Edward and Jacob arrived. As part of the crew and management, they both had to be there earlier than any other staff. I am usually distracted until I get settled in on board and didn't want to run into them with my guard down.

I also hoped that maybe I could fit three months of thinking into two days. What was I going to do with my life?

I took the same route through the city to the dock as I always did, but this time something caught my eye.

On the left side of the highway was a rather large building with a very small sign out in front of it. I had never noticed it before because I was always in a hurry and the roads were always crowded with summer tourists. However, winter wasn't as busy. The building was off the road by itself and had a large parking lot in front of it. I turned around at the next light and pulled up in front of it.

I was looking at the DayStar Children's Center that Anderson had said Edward worked in. There, in one of the employee spaces was Edward's car. I felt almost like a stalker since Edward hadn't told me about this himself, but I was still curious. Why would he hide this from me? A children's center was nothing to be ashamed of. It was wonderful. It was amazing. It was so Edward. Or at least it was the old Edward. I didn't think the new Edward would go along with it.

I didn't know what kind of car Lauren drove, but I doubted that she would have been there anyway. She was the creator of the new Edward.

I walked cautiously inside, on the lookout so that Edward wouldn't surprise me. There was a large waiting room decorated with pictures of smiling people and of non-smiling people. Some of them were wearing nice clothes and looked like volunteers and were standing with groups of people, mainly children, who were dirty and looked worn out. And those worn out children looked beautiful to me. I could see into them and see the worth that God had placed there. One of the larger pictures was of Edward with a bunch of dirty, ragged, probably smelly kids hanging all over him as he played the piano. His smile brightened up his whole face. I had never seen him smile like that before.

Apparently, Lauren hadn't either. Fortunately the waiting room had large pillars along the wall of photos. Just as I discovered Edward's picture, I heard yelling and knew it was Lauren.

"No Edward. You should have been honest with _me_. Spending all your hard-earned money on _these _people? And this place? No wonder you were so easy to catch and still single. I should have known. Now, I realize that this all happened before you met me, so I will give you another chance, choose this place, or me." My heart was pounding so hard, I knew that someone should have heard it. But I risked a peak around the pillar I hid behind. Fortunately neither one of them was facing me.

Lauren was furious, her face red with anger. Edward's face was blank. He had been bent slightly, trying to grab her arm and pull her back into a private office area. But when she gave her ultimatum, he straightened up and looked around the room.

In part of the room there were children playing with a large bunch of toys; they were ignoring the adults as most children do. Along another wall people sat, apparently waiting for different things like food, clothing, maybe to be admitted into the resident groups, some watching the children play with proud smiles on their faces.

I held my breath. I knew what the old Edward would have chosen. He would have chosen the hurting people. But since he'd started dating Lauren, he'd changed. I didn't know what he'd choose now. The people sitting in the room were looking at Edward, but trying not to. The receptionist stared at Lauren as if her hair were green or something. The silence in the room was very heavy.

Edward continued to look around the room, studying each detail, as if memorizing it while saying goodbye to it. I saw his resolve waver as he glanced back to Lauren. Her hands stayed on her hips, one slightly cocked in an attitude. Her glare never left his face, waiting for his answer.

I took a deep breath and stepped out from behind the pillar. When I stepped out, I moved into Edward's line of vision. He didn't look surprised to see me. But his face was blank and hard to decipher. All of the indecision disappeared and was replaced by the hard mask I'd come to know as the new Edward. He looked at me a while then turned back to Lauren, his decision apparently made.

EPOV

I had finally had enough. Lauren had been in town for two months and hadn't left me alone one day. We were together all day every day. She only left me to go to her hotel to sleep and she'd even hinted that she wanted me to join her even there. That whole time I hadn't been once to the DayStar. The other administrators understood my girl troubles though, and were just glad that I had a girl to have trouble with.

They all loved me and wanted me to be happy. I had been set up with all of their friends and nieces and daughters. I also had had a few other dates. Most of them left me after they found out I spent most of my money and off time at the DayStar. With some of them I'd even taken to mentioning it in the first ten seconds of the date. With the ones I really wanted to continue seeing, I kept it to myself a while or downplayed my involvement. None of my co-workers liked the idea of me hiding my passion, I knew, but none of them ever approached me about it.

My co-workers understood my needing the time off, so they waited until I called them to do any business. In any emergency, they left messages for me on my cell phone. But they were definitely missing and needing me. The last message from my secretary made up my mind for me.

"Edward, I know that Lauren is important to you and all, but we really need you here. You will have to tell her sometime or other if you ever want the relationship to progress beyond the Inspiration. You will be much happier if you were up front with these girls first. Let them know about the DayStar and you will save yourself a lot of trouble. Anyway, please call me ASAP, preferably during business hours if possible."

Lauren had left me alone long enough to go to the bathroom and I checked my messages. By the time she came out, I'd decided it was time. Almost six months and I still wasn't completely relaxed around her. Not like I was with Bella. Man I missed her. Everything was all messed up now. Why couldn't I have just told Bella about the DayStar? And why was I so stupid as to go out with Lauren? It would have been easier just to be selfish and let things go where they would with Bella.

Now I'd been such a jerk that I didn't know if Bella would ever forgive me if I asked her. I'd really never found any redeeming quality in Lauren, but stayed with her as a distraction. It didn't work. She was fun, but was a little too much focused on kissing and physicality. And there was her annoying habit of texting me all during meetings and practices and complaining when I didn't answer her until after they were over. She didn't share my passion for politeness.

This little break changed my mind and made me give up. I had to tell her about the DayStar. It was time to get back to me. I'd missed me almost as much as I'd missed Bella.

"Lauren, listen I have something to tell you. I have enjoyed going out with you and getting to know you. But I haven't let you get to know all of me. So, I have something to show you." It was early in the day, and I knew that most of the DayStar guests would not come in for a while. I hoped that today wouldn't be a busy day with a lot of new homeless to register. Lauren would need to be acclimated slowly. She was from a rich family and was very prim and proper.

She kept asking where we were going. She was giggling and teasing and flirty. When we pulled up in front of the DayStar Children's Center, she got really quiet. We got out of the car and I led Lauren inside. Fortunately, there weren't very many people in the waiting area.

"Hi Mr. Cullen. Good to see you today," the receptionist said. There was a frosted door with silver lettering spelling out Edward Cullen- Administrative Director. We walked through, Lauren still silent.

"Edward-Glad to see you got my message. Hello, I'm Edward's secretary, Allison Trusty. You must be Lauren. Pleasure to finally meet you." She stuck out her hand to shake hands, but Lauren was too stunned. I gave Shelly an apologetic look, led Lauren into my office, and closed the door.

"Are you okay?"

"What is this?" Lauren squeaked out finally.

"This is the Florida DayStar Children's Center."

"Okay, I'm waiting for an explanation. Why did you bring me here? And why does everyone know you? And who in the world were all those smelly, dirty people?"

"Lauren, this is what I do during the off-season. Five years ago, I learned of a plan to build a DayStar here. I had visited the one in Los Angeles and fell in love with the homeless and the hurting. I wanted to help somehow. I already worked on Dream and decided to donate as much as I could to help. Ever since, I have given most of my time and money to the DayStar." I breathed in and continued.

"It is my passion and where my heart is. To help people, to love people, and serve them in whatever way I can. Here, I work with mainly children, teaching them to play instruments and such. Not to mention being an administrator. I work nine months a year to spend three months here."

"You spend all your money here? So you're not-"

"Yes, all of my extra money goes here. Every pay check."

"I just thought that you had modern tastes. Very simple. Well, now that we are together, that can change. You need to save your money to invest in your future. I mean they can't possibly need all your money now. Five years is long enough to get other sponsors. You could leave this position to another person and we'll just continue career on the Inspiration. I'll convince Daddy to give a few donations and they'd surely be okay with giving you up. We can get married and I can give your house a much needed woman's touch."

"Um, marriage? We've only been dating for six months."

"No matter. I wasn't meaning us to get married tomorrow. But it is inevitable. The only thing standing in the way is this place." I was silent for a long time. When I did speak, it was in a whisper first.

"I'm not giving up the DayStar."

"What?"

"I'm not giving up the DayStar." She flipped her hair behind her shoulder and spoke loudly.

"Well, it is either me or this place! I will not stay with you as long as you spend all your money here. It's either me or the DayStar." I tried to get her to calm down and lower her voice, but she just got louder, expecting me to cave at any time. She started personally attacking the DayStar people.

"I wish you had been honest and shown me who you really were before we started going out." I knew that was the wrong thing to say, but it slipped out. Right then she got so mad that she opened my office door and walked out.

"No Edward. You should have been honest with _me_. Spending all your hard-earned money on _these _people? And this place? No wonder you were so easy to catch and still single. I should have known. Now, I realize that this all happened before you met me, so I will give you another chance, choose this place, or me." I looked around at the people in the room. The children who were playing in the corner. Their faces were lit up and I knew they had never played with toys like those before.

The adults were trying to avoid looking our way. After years of being ignored and laughed at on the streets, they were used to it. And then Bella stepped out from behind a pillar. I tried very hard to keep my face blank, but my heart stopped. She was the reason I had gone through all this with Lauren. I never meant it to go this far or deep. But my heart told me that I still loved Bella. Now she knew about my secret life; how did she feel about it?

But I couldn't deal with that right now. I would come up with other ideas later. Her presence there was just a reminder about how much I'd changed in the past six months.

"I don't know what has come over me Lauren. You've changed me a lot since we started going out. And I hate the person I've become. These people are beautiful. And my place is here with them. Goodbye Lauren." I knew Lauren would be even madder when she saw Bella, so I went back into my office before she left. I couldn't deal with Bella right then. I had to calm down and rearrange my thinking. Lauren had screwed me up so much. I no longer even felt like playing the piano for fun.

BPOV

Lauren was breathing heavily with anger as she watched Edward turn and walk away. She heaved a few breaths and whipped around to leave. Instead she nearly ran into me.

"You. What are you doing here? I suppose you knew all about this? No wonder you two never went out. You were the smart one." She looked back towards Edward and stomped out the door. I looked at the closed door too. I almost left him alone. He'd not been very nice to me and now seemed pretty mad that I was there. But I couldn't just let it lie.

I waited a few minutes then went to the door where Edward and Lauren had come out. I went into the first door and there was a secretary at the desk.

"May I help you?" Her smile was strained as if she was personally affected by Edward's break up with Lauren.

"Mrs. Waters, I work with Edward on the Inspiration. My name is Bella Swan. I don't really want to disturb him because I just saw his break up-"

"No, Miss Swan. I don't think right now is the best time," she said, but I wasn't about to leave right then. The secretary must have been very close to Edward because a tear escaped her eye and slid down her cheek.

"Just tell Edward that if he needs me he knows where I'll be. And tell him I won't tell Alice about him and Lauren-I'll leave that for him." I quickly stepped over to Edward's private office door and said

"And Edward, I broke up with Jacob, too." I walked out before Mrs. Trusty could do or say anything to me. I was shaking as I walked to my car.

I abused myself all the way to the dock and through employee check in. I didn't know if it was wise to have just left like that or if I should have forced my way into his office. Should I have told him about me and Jacob? Should I have went ahead and told him I loved him still? I didn't want him to think I was trying to take advantage of the situation. And I really didn't know if anything had changed as far as he was concerned.

Did he have feelings for Lauren? Surely he'd loved her to date her for so long.

And as he'd said, he had changed a lot. He'd pulled away from Alice, and I knew they'd been very close. She said she knew he'd stopped going to DayStar meetings regularly, and that he was rarely at his off-season job because he spent all his time with Lauren.

As soon as I reached my regular room, I really pitched a fit. There was no way that he cared for me more now than before. He hadn't changed in that aspect, and I had probably just made things worse with him by witnessing his break up. Yeah, he said it was a mistake going out with her, but anyone can say anything in the heat of the moment.

I don't know what I expected from Edward and Jacob. They both avoided me for the first couple of days. More so than was usual for the first of the new season. There was a lot of work to do to get the ship winter sailing ready in addition to the regular repairs after the three month off-season. All three of us threw ourselves into the work. There was not even a chance of us running into each other. I had heard from someone that Jacob had requested that all three of us had different areas. His excuse was that we were too good of workers to be in one area—he thought we should be spread out.

Everyone knew that the first week was too hard to spend with friends so no one asked any questions about me and Jacob or Edward and Lauren. The first sign of trouble was at the first practice of the season. Edward was late and Lauren was not there. She had revoked her contract for the year. And we all knew that that meant that she couldn't work again for one more year. So she couldn't even return as a seasonal for a year and a half.

Then everyone started talking about Edward and Lauren. What could have happened to make her not want to come back? There were rumors about her being pregnant or Edward abusing her or that she ran off with a hotter guy or even that Edward and Lauren had secretly gotten married and he didn't want her to work so she was at home. Edward had never answered any personal questions so no one asked him.

However, apparently Lauren still talked to her friends who were on the ship. Shortly after the first practice, everyone suddenly knew about Edward's DayStar. Lots of girls that normally drooled over Edward avoided him. Well, except for those that were more interested in the female lead spot. I made a point to try to talk to him but never quite got to do so. I admired him for his stand. I just wished that I cared about something as much as he cared about his DayStar, but I couldn't seem to get the opportunity to let him know.

Something stirred in my heart when I thought about the children's center. All those people that Lauren had insulted. Their faces barely registered the hurt they must have experienced because of her words. Unless they were too used to hearing it that it didn't even register with their minds that they'd been insulted. They deserved better than that.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Here it is, the last chapter. Hope it pleases all my readers and makes up for some of the jerky moments involving Edward… I love you all, and thank you very much for liking this story.**

**Disclaimer: All things _Twilight_ belong to the highly favored Stephenie Meyer.**

Chapter 8

BPOV

Jacob kept avoiding me and finally I found out why. I ran into his best friend Sam and he told me that Jacob was waiting to see if I was going to tell the captain about his drinking problem.

"Remind him that I told him it was his problem. I promised him I wouldn't tell on him." I was furious. I was so mad that I walked straight to my private spot on the balcony, not even registering that I saw Edward on the way there.

I wasn't there very long before Jacob joined me. He slipped out the door very silently and cautiously approached me. I knew he was there and stayed facing away from him. I turned suddenly.

"How could you?! I told you before that this problem was yours and that I would leave it to you to take care of." I lowered my voice and continued. "You didn't even call me to let me know how you were. That was very inconsiderate. Just because I broke up with you doesn't mean I didn't care what happened to you." He stared into my eyes for a few seconds, not saying anything. Then, his expression changed to joy.

"I knew it."

"You knew what?"

"That you regretted breaking up with me. That you were in love with me." Wait, what? Where did that come from?

"Um, no. I care about you as a _friend_. I've _never_ been in love with you."

"Are you sure? Why would just a friend get so mad about a little neglect?"

"Jacob, we dated for a few months. So yeah, maybe I did care a little more than just friends. But I am not in love with you. I never have been. A little neglect? I dropped you off at the airport and never heard what happened to you. You never returned my messages or answered my calls."

"Who got in my way?" He was upset, and started shaking and pacing himself. He muttered for a few moments, and didn't even listen to me trying to explain.

"Jacob, I was in love with someone else, but they weren't the reason I wasn't in love with you. He didn't love me back, sure, but I went out with you because I thought I could maybe get to love you. It wasn't really about Edward, and it isn't his fault we didn't work out. We didn't work out because you didn't share any part of you with me." He stopped pacing and whipped around to face me.

"Edward. Of course. Should have known. And I didn't share myself with you because I was afraid."

"But you can't have a relationship and be happy if you don't learn to be yourself. You can't let fear keep you from living. You need to show the real you. An unhealthy you, maybe, but you. I told you I want to be your friend and I want to be there for you in whatever way I can. But I cannot go out with you again."

"So, Edward Cullen has your heart." His face crumpled a little at that statement.

"No, he doesn't. But yes, I know what you mean, but no, he didn't want it. Remember? He chose Lauren. I think he chose her before I even met you."

"Alright." With that one last word he walked away. I was worried. I didn't mean to let Edward's name slip out, especially out loud outside on the deck. Anyone could be out there and hear. I called it my private spot, but there was just as likely to be someone else there as not. It was a public spot and I was always cautious in case someone were out there with me. Such as Edward Cullen, the one person I did not want to hear me.

He just so happened to walk from around the corner just after Jacob left. It was daytime and he could see that I was blushing. But he didn't say anything. I had sat up on the railing after Jacob left and he leaned on the railing next to me. I opened my mouth to say something, but he shook his head slightly and I stayed silent.

"I thought that if I asked out Lauren, then you would forget all about me and either go with Jacob or someone better. Then, once you were safely over me, I could break up with her and have no worries about you. I've needed to say this for a while."

However, he didn't finish. The bell rang to remind the employees that it was time for the staff meeting and dinner. He looked annoyed at the bell, but still hurried away. I was left to stare after him, amazed that he'd finally talked to me at all.

I sat at a two-person table in the dining room so that I would have time to think without having to try to be talky. After dinner was served, but before the speeches started, Jacob came over to my table.

"Bella, my friends don't really know we broke up. Except Sam, of course and he just figured it out. Please, just pretend we're still together just for a little while. Then we can figure out a way to end it in public. Unless you see how I've been trying to change and decide to give me another chance." He'd obviously already forgotten our conversation from a few minutes ago. I sighed.

"No, Jacob. I really need to sit alone and think right now. We can talk later about how to break it off for your friends. Just leave me alone for a while."

The speeches the captain and the cruise director gave were the same ones they gave at the beginning of the summer season. The tension from the employees was different, however. The winter season was busier than the summer because people always want to escape the cold. There was also the slight added tension of the relaxed rules about dating on the ship. After a few months with the new policy, people were starting to get together. And they were surveying the newbies and the pros who only worked the winter seasons.

The entertainment department is supposed to be a big family. We spend a lot of time together and have the most time to get to know each other. Before the policy of no dating staff was changed, there was always a veiled sense of competition among the women. We all knew that the penalties if we were caught were not worth a short relationship. But now women and men were openly hostile with those they thought were after "their" man or woman. Practices were competitive and the women were dressing for it. They wore make-up and really tight practice sweats. Those in entertainment that wanted female lead or that liked Edward in spite of the rumors scrambled for the front spots in practices.

I remained main female lead, but Edward was branching out this season and using more numbers with more leading parts and was offering lead roles to more people. I didn't mind that I wasn't the sole female lead anymore. I liked the roles, but was still uncomfortable with the attention. I still remained in the back for dance numbers, and I was so grateful.

Once we got our first round of programs cast, the competition air settled down. I was discovering that I had more friends than I thought. Since I wasn't stuck with Edward and Alice or Jacob, I had to choose my own activities to do. I was seeing acquaintances become closer friends as we shared these activities.

One of my favorite ways to spend my off hours was in the library reading one of the great books they had. The ship librarian spent her shore hours scouring bookstores and had bought fiction and non-fiction, in the native languages and translated to English, from almost every port. Angela was always there to talk to as well.

Our first day out on our first cruise of the winter season to the Caribbean I was tired of waiting for a sight of Edward so I wondered into the library. I found out that I had a love of books in common with two of my acquaintances. Embry and Quil were twins who worked on the ship as bus boys in one of the two ship restaurants. Quil was taking college classes online and Embry was doing a correspondence course. They were both going for degrees in law and were in competition to see who got their degree first. I started going to the restaurant right before their shift was over and we would walk to the library together.

I enjoyed talking to them while they cleaned up the tables. Actually I listened while they kept up a running gossip commentary on the secrets of the ship. They were used to being ignored by everyone. People naturally talked about things around them. They knew I disapproved of their gossiping, so they never told me anything "really juicy," unless it had to do with me, Alice, Edward, or Jacob.

Embry and Quil read mostly non-fiction and when we had all three finished a book, we talked about them. I didn't read non-fiction so they taught me a lot about different people and countries. I also found government very boring but they were able to explain most of our country's processes to me. Most people on the ship avoided telling me what they heard about Lauren and Edward and me and Jacob, but Quil and Embry were up-front with me and just wanted answers.

"Alright, Isabella, are you going to just tell us the truth or do we need to keep guessing?" Quil and Embry were the only ones besides my dad that I allowed to call me Isabella.

"Sorry, Edward and Lauren's business is theirs, and not mine to tell. All I can say about any of it, though, is that I have truthfully answered all your questions to my best, and that Jacob and I are no longer together and there is no chance for us to ever date again. You'll have to ask Edward for the rest. But you can't tell anyone about me and Jacob yet."

"Well, he said for us to ask you. He thinks you told us about the DayStar and we told the whole ship. He almost yelled at us yesterday to ask the, um, I think it was 'gossiping little snit'." Embry flinchingly told me.

"What?! Did you tell him I didn't?" I was shocked breathless. So that was why he'd been avoiding me? Because he thought I'd spread all those rumors about him and the DayStar? He obviously didn't remember that Lauren still had friends on board the Inspiration.

"We didn't have a chance. We asked him if he'll tell us the truth about it, just like we asked you and he jumped off and started yelling and wouldn't give us a straight answer." Quil said.

"That was last week, right before your practice."

"Oh man, no wonder. He has been avoiding me. You guys didn't mention my name, did you?"

"Never. We never mention our sources' names, unless they are involved in the story. But still, no one knows they told us." I left them, suddenly in no mood to go to the library. They gave me mirrored sympathetic looks and told me they understood.

Sometimes I thought that trying to be Edward's friend was too much trouble. Or at least it was now that I had screwed it up so badly. I went to my room, grabbed my cell phone, went out to my spot, and called Alice. I was so glad that it was deserted. Most of the staff and guests were involved in activities during the day.

"Alice, I don't know what to do. I think I'm gaining ground with him again and then something happens that blows it all up. I don't know if I-" She cut me off.

"Edward told me all about it. I'm sorry Bells. I tried to tell him that you didn't tell, that you wouldn't even tell about Jacob's drinking problem. That set him off more, for some reason. Got mad because you didn't tell him about that. Man, he is looking hard for reasons to keep you away." This boy is confused. He didn't want the right to worry about me, remember? Alice said he was looking for ways to push me away. He was lying when he said he wanted to still be my friend.

"Why? What about me makes him want to keep me away? I wish I had never told him I loved him. I thought, though, that we were going to be friends again." I told her about what he'd said the day of the staff meeting.

"Listen, I don't really know what to tell you. He is my brother and he does tell me some things, but I can't really help you. If one thing between you is gone, he looks for another. He's just grasping at straws. I don't know why he doesn't just give up and tell you—oops. I better go; I better not say anything else."

"Alice, what do you mean? Tell me what?"

"I gotta go, Bella, mom needs me in the kitchen. Talk to you later. Try to knock some sense into Edward, for me, will ya? Bye." And she hung up.

"Bye." I really wanted to do just that. Knock some sense into Edward, with a large, heavy object. I found myself looking around for something that fit the description. I was distracted from my crazy searching when I heard someone below the level I was on talking about Edward.

"Can you believe it? Lauren went about it all wrong. She shouldn't have been outright about her hate for the children's center. You don't really show who you really are until after you get married. Then you have the right to guide their money usage." The girl said.

"Lauren was just caught off-guard. How would you feel if Jacob were to come up with a sudden secret?" I listened harder when the second girl mentioned Jacob. Could have been a different one, but something told me it was my Jacob. Or at least, the boy who used to be my Jacob.

"Well, I would handle it better than Lauren, that's for sure." The first girl said. And then the second girl confirmed they were speaking of Jacob Black.

"You know, I don't think Jacob and Bella are broken up yet."

"Yeah, well, he wants to let her down slowly. He still cares about her as a friend, but according to him, she sucks as a girlfriend. I think he should just get it over with, but he doesn't want to look bad in front of the captain. And she's still totally in love with him, he says. She's a nice girl and won that award so it makes him look good to be with her. Definitely got him my attention. Well, I better go. We're thinking of a way for him to sit with me at the table without her knowing."

I couldn't believe that I had promised to help Jacob out by making it a mutual break up semi-public. I had told the twins to keep it secret about me and Jacob until I okayed it. But Jacob had stopped that. I glanced at my watch. It was almost time for the guys to be at work, so I went to the restaurant and waited outside. Ten minutes later, Jacob walked by with a girl I'd never seen before. I assumed it was the one I overheard. He sheepishly let go of her and came to me.

"Well, well. Trying to make it look good for your friends? I didn't know you were trying to make me look like an idiot," I said, trying to not let venom leak through too much.

"Bella, I would never. I'm trying to win you back. Leah is just a friend. She works in security."

"Oh, so that's how she knows me."

"Huh?"

"Nothing. We need to talk."

"I gotta go right now; I left something in Leah's room and she's about to be late for work. I gotta get it tonight. We'll talk tonight. Oh, are you gonna want to sit alone or with me tonight?"

"Oh, I think its best I not sit with you."

"What? We'll need to sit together sometimes if we're to keep it up." Jerk. I really wanted to cuss the idiot out, but tried to keep my voice normal. My revenge would be sweet indeed.

"Maybe tomorrow night. Call me or get with me tonight. I mean it." I was not sorry at all about what I was going to do. Jacob expected that I was too nice to get him embarrassed; he thought I'd rather take it myself than give it. Maybe he was right. I almost decided to leave, but the twins came around the corner and looked upset.

"Isabella! What are you doing here?" Quil asked, a little shocked to see me.

"I wanted to talk to you two—"

"Wait, we've got something to tell you," Embry said.

"Yeah, we just saw Jacob and Leah together."

"Yeah, I saw them too; I even overheard Leah talking to someone about me. She's a brat. He's of course denied anything—"

"We saw them kissing. He can't deny anything. They were in a corner down that hall. They weren't noticed by many, but still," Quil flinched as he said the last part. I was now livid. I was cussing him out in my head and my anger leaked into my next words.

"Oooh. I'm glad you told me. I came here to tell you to go ahead and tell people about our break up, but then I almost changed my mind after talking to him. But since he lied to me, there is no reason to be nice. Tell everyone I broke up with him this summer. Don't worry about the reason, that's a secret I _am_ gonna keep. Let people speculate about why all they want. Make sure everyone knows." Quil and Embry smiled slyly and went in to work.

As I was hoping, by dinner all the crew and staff were buzzing with the news. Some people said that I'd broken up with him because he was dirty, smelly, and rude. Others said that it was because he was too wimpy to defend himself against a guy picking on me. Then some called into question his morals and his sexual leanings. Others speculated that he'd hit me and I'd left him on the side of the road in Chicago. In other words, the twins had spread rumors that would embarrass the pants off Jacob and make Leah rethink her involvement with him. None of the rumors made me look bad at all.

I chose a table close to the door and to the side, out of view of most people in the hall. It was a lounge night and I was to go in the middle. I had plenty of time to enjoy a little revenge.

Jacob was completely caught off-guard. He strutted into the hall with Leah close behind him and Sam beside her. Probably a cover-up. When he walked in, people who saw them stopped talking and looked at him. He stumbled and faltered his steps. His smile faded, but then he plastered a fake one on and continued to the captain's table. He pulled out Leah's chair and searched the room. I didn't make it really easy for him to find me, and he had to stop once the first singer was on stage.

It was eventually my turn to sing, and the piano started playing, but the song wasn't one of the two we'd practiced. I turned and saw that it was Edward playing. He played "I Will Survive" and "Best for Last", the two songs I had sung at the first lounge night last season. I wondered what he was doing. Edward never played piano for lounge nights, and the regular player was just off stage. I tried to get Edward to look at me, but he kept his eyes on the keys.

I had to sing the songs he played, and barely hesitated when he played the first notes to each song. He'd slowed it down, knowingly compensating for my shock.

He left the piano as soon as the last notes faded before I could turn to him. I just stared at his back as he walked off stage. I followed him and could feel Jacob watching me all across the room, and sure enough he beat me to my table. I just kept walking, passing him and going right out to my second favorite spot.

"You told them?!" He whispered savagely, grabbing my wrist and spinning me around.

"Told who what?" I spat back, trying to get him to let go of my hand. He was squeezing it too tightly.

"I thought we'd agreed to keep the break up a secret until we could do it and save face for both of us! But you had to go spread it all over the ship and then those songs? What's up with those songs?" He squeezed even tighter and I flinched in pain.

"No, Jacob, you wanted to save _your_ face. And that was almost a believable lie about wanting to get me back. That is, if I hadn't already overheard Leah talking to one of her friends. I didn't know who she was until you walked by with her. And then you went around the corner and made out with her?" He stood up and loosened his grip but didn't let go.

"Who, I never, what? Who saw us?"

"That doesn't matter. You didn't have to lie again. I was going to break up with you here, to keep your rep intact and all that crap. You crossed the line by trying to make me look like a fool. I didn't tell anyone about your alcoholism because I cared enough about you as a friend to leave that up to you. I didn't want you to lose your dream of navigation before you had a chance to change." I breathed in deeply and continued, editing what I told him now. No point in being completely honest with him now.

"I told some friends that we broke up over the summer, because I knew people would start giving me those 'Poor, poor, Bella' looks if they caught you two. I deserve better than that."

"Okay, okay. That was a bad judgment call. I was hoping to use her to our advantage if we couldn't work things out. But you went and destroyed it. You spread those rumors, and then you sang those songs! You, you," He tightened his grip again. He was shaking with anger and I was kind of afraid. But not enough to stop talking.

"No, I didn't practice those songs. If you will remember, those were the songs I sang at the beginning of last season. Edward unexpectedly was the player and I don't know where he got off playing them. I couldn't embarrass myself onstage just to save you? Is that what you're wondering? Not after you tried to embarrass me."

"Bella, I told you I was just playing up to Leah so she could help—." Right then Leah slammed open the doors with the captain in tow. Jacob immediately let go of my wrist. I gripped it in my other hand and rubbed it. It would hurt tomorrow, I was sure.

"Using me? How dare you!" She slapped Jacob and stormed off. He started to follow her, but was stopped by the Captain.

"Officer Black, will you please explain to me what I just overheard?"

"Oh, no. Bella, you said you wouldn't tell!" He grabbed my wrist again. Geeze. Was he trying to sprain it or something?

"Black, she didn't tell anyone. I came out to see if you two were okay, since you left in quite a hurry before the show was over. Now, what's this I heard about alcoholism?"

"I don't know what she's talking about, sir. I'm not an alcoholic." He was practically cutting off the blood flow to my wrist now, begging me not to say anything. I really couldn't, I hurt so bad.

"Oh, but your friend Sam Uley says otherwise. He came to me earlier and said he was concerned because it had gotten worse last season and he didn't know if he could continue doing his work and take on more of your duties. He was very concerned about your violent temper when drunk and that you might do something to hurt Miss Swan." He looked pointedly at his hand on my wrist and Jacob let go. I was able to speak up now.

"Captain, I can assure you that Jacob does not get violent when drunk. I will stake my job on that fact." Captain turned to me, studying my face to see if I was being honest.

"Okay. We may be asking you some questions. Such as why you failed to report his illness. I want you both in my office at 0900 in the morning, and right now we will go back into the dining room and finish eating." He spoke the last at Jacob and they left. I started to follow them then went instead to the upper balcony and the stairs up to the private balcony that few tourists knew about. Long ago I claimed it as my own and for some reason it was always empty when I wanted it to be. Except tonight.

"I beat you," Edward said, turning towards me. I joined him in leaning against the railing. I was still aggravated with Jacob and my adrenaline was flowing. This was my time to tell Edward once and for all everything. He wasn't avoiding me at least, so I took that to mean he would be okay if we talked.

"Why are you being such a dork? I was just trying to be your friend. I don't deserve this, this, punishment just for telling you how I feel, do I?" I couldn't hold the tears. "All I did was that. Just that. I didn't embarrass you, or hurt you, or take anything from you, and you've changed everything." Edward didn't answer when I paused, so I kept on drawing on all the months of confusion and loneliness and hurt and anger.

"I think that you are an amazing man, or at least you were before all this. Last season Anderson told me about the DayStar. I found out that that was the cause of your problems with girls. I don't understand myself. I mean, I visited one in LA and thought it was the best idea I'd heard in a while. I almost spent this year there, but you have to pay to intern there and they didn't have a job opening. I plan to spend a year there after I graduate." Once again he didn't say anything. I was losing steam and his lack of involvement wasn't helping.

"I was very proud to have once called you my friend when I saw what you had helped build and then when you turned Lauren down for those beautiful people." I turned away from Edward and kept talking as if I was talking to myself. "Some people just can't see how beautiful all of God's children are. Even if they are smelly or dirty. They just need love and to know that someone really cares about them. I wish I could do something like that. I just have no idea." I gave up talking and just stood there, facing out to sea.

He finally spoke, but it was my turn to be silent so I stayed as I was. I didn't want to turn around, expecting some sort of rebuke for spreading the rumors about him and Lauren and the children's center.

"It really is your entire fault, you know. You broke down every single defense I had against someone like you. I've always been different from other people. There was this desire deep inside to do something with my life. I've been out with a lot of girls, but they all had different directions from me. Not all of them were like Lauren—shallow, uncaring, selfish. Some of them were amazing women. But their hearts weren't for the same thing I'm into. I thought that I would be safe because there was no way anyone would want to date me as long as the DayStar took all my time and money. I thought I was safe." I heard him shuffling around behind me, but I still stayed rigid. I was trying to process what he was saying and what it meant while taking in the words he was still speaking.

"When I was younger I organized clubs and stuff to help the homeless. I was always in the parks and under bridges; those people were my friends as much as anybody my own age. I wasn't perfect. I went through my stage of running. But when I started working Dream, I decided to change my life back. I visited the LA DayStar with one of my friends and was enthralled. Then, I heard they were trying to build one here and I donated all of my extra money and time to getting it where it is now. I never wanted anything to get in between me and the DayStar. So many girls rejected me after they learned about the DayStar that I decided never to let any girl close again. It really hurts." He breathed in deeply and I wondered why he felt he needed to hide this part of himself away from us.

"No one really understands how much it means to me. Alice hasn't even visited it, and my parents almost ignore that I work there. They love me, but are more impressed by money." So, Alice knew about this all along.

"Really, I was interested in you the first time I met you. You were beautiful and were really into helping people. I lied to you so many times to keep you away. I can't fall in love right now. I'm unprepared. I'm learning to balance the DayStar with the rest of my life. I'm a horrible person because I played on your fears and esteem issues to push you away. Thus the conversation at the beginning of last season." He paused and I turned around.

"Edward, I didn't ask you to marry me."

"That's what Alice said."

"I'm sorry that so many women hurt you. That doesn't mean I will. I'm inexperienced with relationships myself and was afraid. And then there was Jacob." His eyes flashed with anger, but I couldn't tell if it was at me or Jacob.

"I'm sorry. I could have saved you from that too. I wanted to point out that he avoided things and just wasn't very open. I kind of sensed there was something not quite right about him." He avoided looking at me.

"No, it was my choice to say yes to him. I could have done so no matter what happened with you." I didn't know what would happen now. I didn't want to be the next one to say anything. I wondered if he would be a man and ask me out and leave the future to itself, or just give up. If he cared that much about me, he would be a man.

"Can we be friends again?" He asked. I nodded and turned to leave, expecting that to be that for now. But he grabbed my hand and pulled me back.

"And, maybe work up to something more?" He leaned in towards me, effectively stopping anything else I might have thought or said. His lips brushed mine and everything else faded away.


End file.
